Do you ever wake up in the morning on a day where the numbers on the clock don’t matter? The call of the to-do list on mute? The roar of the traffic unheard?
On those mornings, sometimes the daily weekday callings are replaced with introspection and messages to try a different route.
Today was a morning like that and I went with it. I didn’t push the thoughts away, but I did ask for help. Over the past few days the swelling in my feet and ankles has been distracting to the point of seeking and recalling the days when the distraction did not exist. Were my ankles and feet always a bit swollen? I do recall my mother telling me one summer, “You’re legs are skinny for the first time. They usually aren’t.” A kind/cruel statement. I listened and obviously remembered that statement and also remember how I had reduced the circumference of my thighs with the obsessive shaking and moving my legs. I’d walk around the house and yard shaking my legs. I would sit in the evenings watching TV moving my legs. I would never sit still. The comment from my mother encouraged me to constantly move my legs throughout my life up until a few years ago when I experienced what it was like to sit still and enjoy a movie without constantly moving.
It’s weird how craving a slight compliment from a parent can drive a person to do slightly insane activities.
Yesterday, as the concern about the swelling grew in my mind, I discussed with my husband the activities for the afternoon. A car ride? A movie? How far? I decided to share my concern over the swelling with, “Well, I’d prefer a short ride and a short sit because my legs and feet are swollen.” OK. No problem.
No problem until I found myself constantly moving my legs during the $3 movie. No problem until I myself shaking my legs while driving to the airport to transport my son to his vehicle parked in long term parking a couple miles away. No problem until I found myself obsessed with drinking lots of water and consuming extremely small portions of food.
No problem until I found myself this morning in tears begging the Benevolent Beings to please help me to have slim feet, legs and hands. “I’ve been asking for slim hands for a long time. I try everything. Healthy foods. Yoga. Walking. Riding bike. Drinking water. Positive thoughts. Energy healing. Biomat. Nothing works. Can you please help me?” And then I paused to receive any subtle message that might come through because sometimes the message is very brief and simple. I heard, “Get up and move.”
OK. So that’s what I’m doing and have been doing all day for the most part. I reflect on how I can get up more often when I decide to sit down at the computer to work or do other tasks. I reflect on how I can change everything by setting an intention. The message takes on all kinds of different interpretations throughout the day.
Feeling frustrated. I tear up as the defeat of the lack of slim hands and feet are stuck in my mind. In the plea to Benevolent Beings, I mentioned that so many other people have slim hands and feet, why not me? What is it about my physical, mental, emotional and spiritual composition that my feet are unlike those around me? Family, friends, coworkers. Especially the thoughts of my sisters and even my father My hands and feet look much different from them. Perhaps that’s how children feel when they are a different color from their parents. Out of a desire to belong, they see to change themselves to fit in and be accepted and loved. But then again, infants and toddlers have chubby hands and feet so perhaps it’s a simple matter of me moving out of the dependent state of infancy and into independent state of adulthood for the first time. Hmmm. Take responsibility and actions toward that which will bring meaning to my life on my terms rather than always depending on the wants and needs and expectations of others.
The comments of others have always had an impact on me. As they do on most people. A comment on social media caught my attention today, “I was there and did nothing.” with reference to the current social, political and cultural distress so many are witnessing and feeling gets me to think outside of myself which is very good. The distraction of these thoughts takes me away from caring for myself and adds balance to an otherwise unhealthy emphasis on self loathing and fixing.
Another comment on social media also resonated strongly, “Repeat the following mantra: I love you. I am sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.” resonates as well and is a nice distraction from yesterday when I drove myself nutty with the constant physical movement. Which, by the way, also led to constant chattering. The repetition of the mantra led me to a meditation so deep and kind that the cat companions nestled in for a nap.
Turns out the Benevolent Beings are helping me today in surprising ways. I love it. Thank you! I find balance as the day progresses.
Then the rain started. I checked my phone for the forecast. “Light rain.” And scrolled to the news and read an article posted on Slate written by a lawyer who had visited the place where children are detained at the border between the U.S. and Mexico. He wrote about how the organization would not allow a private doctor to assess the young children. This news is the saddest of all the news. I do not watch the daily news on TV and do not read the news in the paper and try not to spend much time on social media but it is difficult not to notice when it oozes out of the cracks of society like a leaky basement. Sooner or later we’re going to have to ease the pressure on the foundation or the entire structure is going to collapse. That, or we’re going to have some very smelly clean up to do which will only be temporary.
The focus definitely shifted from myself to others throughout the day which is a way better use of my energy. Obvious reasons but when a person is practicing healthy boundaries, the choice made is important. In the past I would get hung up on other things I had been a victimized doormat to — too many activities and me being the hostess to too many. During those times, it certainly placed me on a “nice” list but in reality the list is a “doormat” list which sucks the life out of people. I could care less if people like me or not. I am here to do what I am passionate about. And that is flipping things upside down and viewing from a different perspective. Not only viewing but sharing my perspective.
And today’s choice is how to extend loving kindness to the children. Not just the detained children at the border but for all children. I watched a documentary yesterday titled, “Life Overtakes Me” about children of refugee families with Resignation Syndrome. In the documentary, I realized the brilliance of the children that chose the syndrome as a way to help their families find safety and loving kindness in Sweden. Children are brilliant beyond comprehension. I feel sad that they had to make the choice in the first place but also admire their genius and their generosity. And of course I am grateful to the parents of the children who took them to a safe country and to Sweden for helping them with loving kindness. For with the open heart of generosity we change the world.
The vision of humanity includes loving kindness expressed through cooperative civility and creativity. When a road block arises, be with it and describe that which feels icky about it for the icky signifies that which can be resolved. Resolve not the most easily but with the most effect. We are shown the children in dire need of care. We are shown those that do not honor or respect the needs of the children. I ask you to look deep within. 1. Why are the families choosing to relocate and risk the lives of themselves and their children? 2. Why are some fearful of accepting them into our country? 3. Why are the adults on both sides making choices that are endangering the lives of children?
I do not have the answers but pose the questions. There are many answers. I sense the base of it all is the lack of loving kindness and lack of a sense of survival and safety.
What is it that instills the fear? What is it that instills the perception of lack of survival and safety? What is the source? What is the core of it all?
Coming full circle. I return to the plea to Benevolent Beings to help alleviate the swelling. Alleviate the retention. Let the love flow.
Exhale love. Inhale peace.
Thank you for taking the time to read this post.