Swindled by Hierarchical Iterations of Torture

It is a passion of mine to help all know they are loved and loving. And so it is.

A card drawn for me yesterday “A Life Changing Epiphany or Experience. It is a time of big and blessed change for you. And God is supporting you each step of the way.” Lapis Lazuli is the crystal and the image is indigo with a gold glowing sword point down, inserted into a dark-cloaked figure, at the point of insertion which is hidden there is a burst of light. The sword has wings and there is an emerald in the handle. There is also a glowing gold light coming out of the lower spine of the dark-cloaked figure as it seems to be the start of shattering the cloak.

What epiphany or life changing experience is happening? I read a book “Dream New Dreams” by Jai Pausch whose husband became famous when he gave a speech about living as he was dying of pancreatic cancer (my left knee just twitched a lot as I typed that last sentence). She wrote about how difficult it was to be his caregiver through it all and how the cancer centers need to be more aware and helpful with regard to caregivers.

Perhaps someone would listen to me if I said I was channeling wisdom from a higher being . . . but there is no hierarchy and we are all filled with wisdom. So here it goes.

I disagree and know that the horrific drugs and treatments people go through to treat cancer and other conditions are all completely archaic and it is time for it all to change. It is also time that we no longer accept the financial burdens of the treatments because it is all based in fear.

What people need to know is that with ease and grace an individual can heal from conditions they might think only can be helped by western medicine. It’s not about giving more care to caregivers. Go to the source within and recognize the very first time the trigger of the condition took place, it may have been many lifetimes ago or on a different dimension. Go there and be with it, listen to it, see it. communicate with it. What is it telling you? Pause, Integrate the learning, the KNOWING, and take action.

Why is it that we feel a need to punish ourselves and others with horrific western medicine? To inject poisons into our physical bodies? Torture ourselves? And then ask our loved ones to care for us? What we need to do is nurture and give ourselves loving kindness. And ask others to only surround us with loving kindness. Not fix us. Just love us.

In fact, all conditions can be prevented if we go back to before we were created and know we are divine light. Not superior to any other person, place or thing. For we are all here to coexist in harmonic cooperation and civility.

Thank you for reading this post.

Sunshine Hooray I Thrive!

Do you ever feel numb and simply put up with everything that comes your way? You figure you’ve handled it before and this time you’ll do the same thing? Have you ever told the doctor or nurse, “It’s ok, my pain tolerance is very high?”

Well, I used to be that way. I used to take whatever life sent me and chose to simply handle it. Thus the start of the blog series S.H.I.T. Simply Handle IT.

That is where I was completely wrong! Completely. And if you are simply handling it, you are completely wrong as well. You are not a doormat. It is not a sign of strength. It is not generosity. It is not being nice to everyone. It is none of those things.

Do you know what I discovered it is? The mindset of simply handling it? It is a a survival mechanism developed over time due to repetitive trauma experienced as a child and perhaps as an infant or even before birth. This is fascinating and also very difficult to wrap the mind around. Stay with it and immerse yourself in the evolution of the self.

How does one go from simply handling it to another state of being? How does one realize and embrace being worthy of only loving kindness, safety, nourishment, nurturing, joyful connections and more on every dimension known and unknown? It’s simple although it took me about 18 months of intense self work. It has a been a life work and will continue to be so.

Step one: Fall on your face.

Step two: Ask for help.

Step three: Realize that you are the divine source of your own healing and experience. Ask yourself daily two questions: Am I aligned with source? Where would I be if I was aligned with source?

Step four: Recognize unconditional love from outside sources that are with you and will always be with you. For me the sources are Benevolent Beings.

Step five: Create and enforce healthy boundaries.

Step six: Express gratitude for all and ask for help from benevolent beings every day, ever moment and know they are they to help you. This can be in the form of messages received during meditation, books, friends, family, energy healers, videos, films, nature, animals, etc.

Step seven: Accept the help and guidance you receive with gratitude

Step eight: Ask for your purpose, receive it with an open mind and heart and be grateful. For me, the message is, “To know I am loved.”

Step nine: Work hard and express gratitude for what you choose to receive and practice self love throughout this process. A helpful and big push for me was to work through three books “The Complex PTSD Workbook: A Mindy-Body Approach to Regaining Emotional Control and Becoming Whole” and “Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A Guide and Map for Recovering from Childhood Trauma” and “The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma”

Step ten: Inhale peace and exhale love every moment.

Wow, I did not intend for it to be ten steps but there you have it. I would say the number one things are to ask for and accept help, create healthy boundaries and know you are loved. That is what works for me now. And to inhale peace, exhale love.

Thank you to the many benevolent beings that have helped me and continue to help me. Me, Dean, Jessica, Kramer Mufasa, Super G, Zack, Alex, Wilson, Hansel, Tiramisu, Brad, Barb, Pat, Curt, Sandi, Emad, nature, animals, elements, movements, song, breath, sights, and so many more. The list is very long and infinite.

The S.H.I.T. Chronicles have evolved into Sunshine Hooray I Thrive!

Thanks you for your time and for reading this post.






Self hatred instigated by trauma

Thoughts on the status of the country. Or at least the illusion of the essence of what the country appears to be according to some people on social media. If what some are saying is true then we are a huge personification of an extremely traumatized group of individuals. So traumatized in our youth that we have forgotten that we are loved.

And when that happens, when a large number of people gather together in the oblivious state of feeling unloved, what we get is self sabotage and other acts of self hatred. In our infancy as a country we found ourselves traumatized at such a young age that we never learned self love. We assumed, since infancy, in order to survive we must be the victims and take the poison and put up with the assaults. Because, as traumatized individuals will tell you, sometimes submitting to the maltreatment equals self preservation and survival.

BUT . . . and this is an ALL CAPS BOLD BUT . . . suddenly we find ourselves enlightened and recall that we have been loved all along. The illusion of simply surviving instead of thriving becomes the lie.

Forget about what started it all. It doesn’t matter at this point. What matters is the awareness, acceptance, forgiveness, creation of healthy boundaries and honoring those healthy boundaries consistently. In the dementia called survival we forgot that we indeed are here in this 3D form to thrive. And we do that by embracing all dimensions of ourselves, the dimensions that create and thrive and genuinely love.

Only then, when we know we are the source of that which we submerge ourselves in, will we experience a difference currently not defined or imagined.

Collectively, if we recognize and remember our divine brilliance, then we will always and forever surround ourselves in loving kindness. Our divine brilliance is not external. It does not come from an entity worshiped in places of preaching. For some, it is and will remain necessary to assign the task of unconditional love and kindness and punishment to an external source. And that’s ok. I’m not saying the external source is not real. What I am trying to say is that when one recognizes and takes responsibility for the self, huge shifts take place. Amazing.

Be amazing. Recognize now that this moment is compromised of all the moments ever experienced. Recognize the power we all have inside us to transform the effects of those experiences into an energy so immense, that just to harness it will generate waves unlike we have have ever known. Waves of humanity. Look into your eyes the next time you brush your teeth. Be with it and know it is so.

It is possible right now to accept, forgive, create healthy boundaries and honor those boundaries in a sort of organized chaos that catapults us all into cooperative harmony. Not like a woo woo cult. But in a very simple way similar to a wise newborn looking into the eyes of a loving caregiver and trusting that all is ok.

No need to predict the future or relive the past. The only purpose in this moment is to know we are loved. The kind of intrinsic love that is demonstrated constantly by the simple action of being, breathing, regenerating and creating.

Thank you for reading this post.

One a side note: some writing is driven by a sugar hangover and tend to be more passionate. Not sure what that is about.












Stings Hoist Iterative Twitches

If you have ever lived in Minnesota in the spring time, you’ve experienced the irritation of bug bites. Perhaps you’re one of the lucky ones that does not feel the effect of the monsters.

The bites remind me of a life-long circular thought. It comes around again and again and despite the preventative measures and other ointments and fixes, the damn things still show up. Some years are worse than others. I’m not sure if any of this applies what I’ve been experiencing but let’s give it a try.

What I’ve been experiencing, in addition to the bug bites, is something quite different. For the past 3-5 weeks I have been practicing exhale love and inhale peace as often as possible throughout the day and night. Whenever my mind starts to spin with ridiculous and pointless thoughts, I simply shift to the breathing mantra. I’ve noticed that it not only helps to stop the circular thinking but it has revealed a new kind of peaceful joy. Examples follow…

Inhale peace. Exhale love. On the bus. Ride goes smoothly and safely every time.

Inhale peace. Exhale love. The vacation with my husband was filled with exactly what I wrote down for us, “filled with joy, laughter, interesting conversation, good food, good beer, safe driving, sunshine, comfortable hotel rooms and interesting places.”

Inhale peace, Exhale love. A comfortable balance of fun, love, work, rest is experienced.

Inhale peace, Exhale love. I find myself knowing I am loved more often.

Inhale peace. Exhale love. Healthy boundaries are created and respected with ease.

Inhale peace. Exhale love. I am surrounded by loving kindness.

I’ve been bit by the peace and love bug.


Thank you for reading this post.








Storms Hold Intrinsic Therapy

Hi Reader, Thank you for spending a few minutes reading this post. I hope it brings to you exactly what you need in the moment.

Have you ever wondered if perhaps many of the so-called traumas we experience are merely an interpretation? What if society never once felt sorry for the person who scraped their knee or had the sniffles or was spoken to in a voice a bit louder than normal? What if the media and companies advertising to us constantly did not program to us that the only way that scrape is going to get better is to place a bandage on it and treat it with ointment and a pain reliever? What if organizations did not tell us the only way to function as a normal human being is to take cold medications and allergy medications and go see doctors whenever we have the sniffles? What if society did not tell us we are being abused every time someone raises their voice at us?

What if the following scenario played out: a young person takes a tumble on the pavement and the result is a couple of small wounds on their ankle and shoulder. She picks herself up and notices that yes, all body parts are moving but a couple of places are a bit messier than when she first started out. She goes home and is greeted by her loving caregiver who asks if young person needs help. “Yes” she responds, trusting that the caregiver is loving and kind as in the past. So the small wounds are washed and cleaned and given loving care. Perhaps a cloth is placed gently on the spots and the young person and the caregiver sit for a while and chat about what just happened. There is no shame. There is no anxiety. There is only loving kindness. There is no, “oh! we must rush you to the drug store to get a magical bandage and some magical ointment!” There is no, “Oh, I told you not to ride your bicycle so fast and that damn bike is too big for your anyway. You’re grounded for the rest of the week. You should have been home cleaning your room.”

There is no shame. Because, if the caregiver had been treated kindly by others, then the only behavior available is loving kindness. For that is what was given to them with positive results over and over and over again.

There is no anxiety because there are no fearful individuals working in organizations that reap as much money as they can for fear of not being good enough or having enough. Those individuals as well were cared for and experienced loving kindness and know there is enough and that we are all capable of healing ourselves with a bit of help.

The young person trusts she is ok. That there is no shame or worry. There is only a small lesson learned. The small wounds heal and the next bike ride is taken with care. For the next time she rides, there are no memories of shame and anxiety, there is only a memory of gentle kindness to take care and be present. Perhaps she fell because she was going too fast. The next time, she knows not to go quite so fast. Not because she was shamed into slowing down but that she knows she is worthy of self care.

What would it be like if we could erase all the fear and shame and replace it with trust and gentle kindness?

When the storms come, and they will, we can then know we are capable of minimizing the storms. We know that it’s simply the way of life. That there must be a renewal of sorts. The home hailed upon and damaged by wind can be repaired and renewed. The crops and trees will be replaced by new growth in time.

In the words of my dad, “May you always have enough.”

And so it is.

Thanks for reading.








Surrounding Him In Tenderness

Have you been effected by the events of the past year? Specifically with regard to women calling for loving kindness with regard to their bodies?

When this came about, I thought to myself, “What will my life be like if I am no longer fearful of sexual assault?” “What if I honor myself with healthy boundaries and fully honor myself by enforcing them with everyone?” As it turns out, it’s been surprising.

We know and recognize in all dimensions the divinity within all. And as the 3-dimensional body aligns with the light body there can be a cataclysmic response. As a witness observing without any kind of judgement the show is magical in a mundane sort of way and definitely not worthy any kind of admission fee.

I read a post on a social media site today about the people previously in power feeling afraid now that the marginalized and oppressed are no longer in that state of being. My response to that was that there need not be fear, for those who were previously “superior” in their own definition will experience much loving kindness by those they may have previously treated with less loving kindness than was deserved. Compassion allows us all to open the heart and be that which forgives and recognizes we have all been freed of previous programming. It’s as if the thousands of channels have become a blur of brilliant light in a language that envelopes us all in a soft cloth.

In a more human experience it can be described similar to that which a co-worker did this week, “I no longer want to play video games, it’s as if I’ve grown up.” I interpreted the words like this, “I no longer find a need for constant distraction and feel safe enough to breathe for the first time in my life since the day I was born.”

The addictions, everything from over-eating to drugs to alcohol to shopping, help us to feel safe in a world that is less than loving and kind. We stop breathing in the state of fear. And then once the threats dissipate, we find the breath of life returning.

There are no words and the mind cannot grasp the essence of what it is like to live in a loving and kind world. But we are changing, the human experience is changing.

So the next time you think of the person who wronged you in the past, surround him or her in tenderness.

Thank you for reading this.

Shambles of Hypocrisy and Idiotic Tantrums

Dear reader, On this rainy day, the heaviness of the leaves saturated with moisture mimics the sensations of one who chooses to review the negative side of life. Is it necessary? A resounding “Yes! It is necessary!” for without rain, life withers away. The fullness and bloated feeling is but temporary. Hesitate to compare one to another other than to the grandness of that which absorbs in silence.

The view out the window reveals the grand healthy tree with one limb lifeless. The one limb sacrificed for the life of the whole. There seems to be a balance in the contrast. As the jagged and dark shape juts toward the earth, it gives way to breath and acceptance of what is.

Just the other day, the tree was displaying a tantrum of wild dance. Some branches fell in a heap on the side of the road. It seems the display was necessary in order to shed that which was no longer needed. Some assistants choose to clean up the debris and others choose to let it lie for a while as a reminder of that which we need to let go. Walk around it, judge it, analyze it, ignore it but in some way the impact has an exponential yet subtle effect. Choose not to dwell but to be with it and move on, knowing the knowledge particles embed a peaceful innocence recalled.

Thank you for this moment. May you know the ebb and flow of that which transforms into the feelings you crave most.







Single Hit In The Park

Have you ever had someone listen to one of your sob stories and then they recommend watching a video? With irritation, you dismiss the recommendation and say to yourself or someone else, “Well, then all she said was to go watch a video.” As if the person should have sobbed along with you or tried to fix the situation with wise advice.

It happened to me a few weeks ago, I signed up for one of those online therapy services and dumped a very heavy load on this therapist I had never met. She responded once with, “I cry for you.” and then the last comment was to watch a video, “I’ve been telling all my clients this week to watch.” I got super pissed off and cancelled the therapy sessions.

But then, do you finally give in and realize that what your friend recommended might just be helpful? You hear about the same video over and over again and figure the suggestions are not going to stop until you give in and watch the damn thing.

And then I did just that, I gave in and re-subscribed to an online streaming service just so I could watch the video. And it was good. I admit in my stubborn rebellion that it was helpful to watch carefully. I found myself feel like I had hit a perfect pitch and made it to first base. I really sucked at sports and it was rare for me to hit a ball, in fact it was more likely for me to get hit BY the ball. You know the feeling? Failing and failing at something but you keep going up to bat because a little voice in your head tells you to participate or the coach and maybe a friend tells you to keep trying.

Cuz sooner or later, after the 1st or 2nd or 100th try, there might finally be a breakthrough that turns everything around.

In a subtle way, watching the video set something in motion. Suddenly, I find myself accepting help with ease. Instead of turning things down in anger and self hatred, I say, “sure, I would like that, thank you.” Could it be?

Could it be that perhaps you are now accepting help that’s been offered to you for decades? Suddenly the switch has been moved one click in the direction of a life of ease? The single hit in the park got you to first base? And now, in order to get to 2nd base, you’re going to have to rely on the help of others to get there. Yes, you’re going to have to pay attention and run like hell to get there.

This comparison to baseball makes me want to stop writing, so I will. I was always the last person chose for any team. But at least I tried. And thus this post.

Thank you for reading. I wish you well and hope that you take the pitch, see the ball, swing the bat and launch yourself into a life of ease. Cuz you are worth every bit of help offered to you. Take it and run with it.






Showers Highlight Internal Trauma

The mini hiatus from writing has come to an end. The pause created from fear turned out to be a pause of reflection and return to that which stirs passion for life.

This writing may only be read by one person. Dear reader, I am honored and thankful. You’ve found this passage for a reason. So, with loving kindness, let me welcome you to something that might help or not. Maybe it will piss you off or click away in disgust or start a conversation. Whatever action is taken, it’s yours to take.

For the past few months there have been many scenarios come up that prompted reflection and action on my part. I’m sure you’ve experienced drama at work. Well, there has been a bit of drama at the office that I’ve been witnessing and also reacting to. I am a graphic design consultant for a small business and they recently entered into a complicated partnership with another organization. Aren’t all partnerships complicated? I don’t know but the word “complicated” comes up quite often with regard to describing this one. It’s not a merger. It’s not a take over. One organization is said to be the subsidiary of the other, although the subsidiary’s board of directors is in charge of the parent company. They kicked out the former board and now are in the midst of doing whatever is on their minds with all of us “talented people” waiting and wondering what is next.

I was speaking with a coworker who mentioned that parts of individual personalities will strengthen during times of stress. What parts of your personality come through? For me, I tend to cocoon and hide. This is also called numbness. It’s a reaction I learned since infancy to go limp and numb when life becomes threatening. Individuals are programmed to go into fight or flight response. I don’t do either because my natural instincts were shut down by many, many experiences with what my system interpreted as traumatic. My husband and others might argue with that, saying that I definitely go into “fight” mode. But it takes a lot of numbness to get me into a fight mode – that’s when the words coming out of this woman’s mouth are filled with rage. Therefore there is a part of me that recalls the capability to be the human being I am born to be. Because there is absolutely everything right about fighting for one’s life. There is everything wrong with going numb and hiding from life because that’s what I here to do, I here to live.

The book “The Body Keeps the Score” by Bessel Van Der Kolk M.D. taught me a lot over the past couple of weeks. In the book, he teaches the reader about how the mind and body reacts when one experiences trauma. Fascinating read that I highly recommend. There are many stories of individual cases because he has been an M.D. for decades dealing with traumatized individuals. Some were so severe that they had to be hospitalized or drugged. Anyway, the book speaks of the different responses to triggers one has. They can be very small and insignificant to some but a very big deal to others.

In my case the scenario at the office where there is a potential for job loss triggers a response in me due to my experience with being laid off from a job where I poured my heart and soul into the place for almost 15 years. And then they liberated me. I was actually quite relieved. The departure from the job was a gift. The difficult part was that the job market was so depressed that I literally filled out hundreds of job applications and had may 2 interviews. I ended up developing my own tiny business as a graphic designer and also studied energy medicine. All absolutely wonderful experiences.

The tough part was seeing my son not able to find a job right after graduating from tech school with a 2-year IT degree. The degree got him nowhere so he settled for customer service which traumatized him so much that years later he walked away from a job and has not been able to hold a job since.

What does my son’s experience have to do with me? I suppose I’m taking the long way to writing about creating healthy boundaries. People can tell you all day long to “say no” but until a person knows unconditional love and then worthiness and safety, saying “no” is very difficult.

What have you noticed in your life that would benefit you from saying “no”? Is it a partner, a friend, a family member or a coworker that constantly asks for assistance? Requests to which you always say yes because you feel like it’s the nice thing to do, or guilty or because they won’t shut up until you give in? You might feel good helping them because they are grateful but really, it would have been healthier to take care of yourself.

For some, the office is where healthy boundaries can be extra difficult. The supervisor who asks for quick turnarounds. The coworker that pushes work off onto you. The overtime. The working weekends. Rarely taking vacation. Rarely taking a sick day. Or even coming into the office when you’d be much better off staying home?

What fuels the lack of healthy boundaries at the office or with clients? It’s different for everyone but to me, the base is the false feeling of safety. As in, keeping the job another day to pay for food and shelter. The fear of not having food and shelter is a basic need we all have. We are born assuming we will have food and shelter. And when we don’t, we cry and demand food and the blanket.  We assume the caregivers will provide us with what we need. But many don’t have those needs met.

Not having the needs met by a caring person while an infant leads to modified behaviors on the part of the individual. A child may become extremely sensitive to the moods of others. Learn when it is ok to ask for what is needed. Cry when a caregiver was in a foul mood, one might get thrown across the room. Cry when a caregiver was depressed or fighting leads to neglect. Most of the time, perhaps a child has to wait until someone is in the mood to provide what they perceive the child might need. Money is scarce, food is  scarce but the intensity of emotions skyrockets — the sensitivity of the child becomes hyper active. On occasion, the child may experience the care giver in a “good” mood – then it might be “fun” to have stale bread with sugar and water sprinkled on it or some other meager form of food.

The combination of hyper sensitivity or empathy plus lack of healthy boundaries can make life exhausting. Have you ever felt completely drained before noon? The coffee or the lunch might temporarily perk you up but then the lethargy sets in again a couple hours later. You plod along for the rest of the day, going home to put on pajamas because it’s the only thing that fits the mood. Exhaustion = bed time.

Try this, try saying no once or twice at the office. It doesn’t have to be a toddler version of “no.” Make it an assertive boundary. Perhaps set up a discussion to talk about a project or share your need to get home in time for dinner that day or attend a family member’s special event. Try it. Keep a journal of the no and also any remarks on energy level or other insights.

Let’s back up a bit. Let’s back up to what I wrote a half a dozen paragraphs earlier in this post. Remember? “People can tell you all day long to “say no” but until a person knows unconditional love and then worthiness and safety, saying “no” is very difficult.”

Here’s how my journey evolved into creating healthy boundaries. The first instance was when I had completed treatment for stage 4 cervical cancer. This involved surgery, a long hospital stay with pulmonary emboli and pneumonia and a grim prognosis, chemotherapy for weeks and radiation for weeks. Over the course of treatment, intimacy was difficult. The cervical cancer treatment was a huge trigger for multiple traumas with regard to intimacy. I won’t go into the details here.

The trigger developed into me saying “No. I’ve been raped.” every time I was touched.

Extreme example, huh? What a way to learn how to create a healthy boundary. I definitely do not recommend getting cancer and going through all that trauma just to create a safe and healthy boundary when it comes to touch.

Creating a healthy boundary can do wonders for the development of a sense of self and eventually self acceptance and self love. It is possible for a person who never said no to one whom learning to say no honors body, mind and soul. This boundary or closed door can open up many other doors.

The journey to loving the self isn’t linear. For some, creating a boundary comes first and then unconditional love of self and worthiness. That boundaries allow one to realize that survival is possible without always giving the body over for the pleasure of another. This is a very, very deep issue.

An individual can learn as a small child that going limp and allowing other people to do whatever they want, was a way to survive. If one was a “good girl” and didn’t cry out, they perhaps she could continue to live another day, receive a meal, live in a home and do other things. This learned behavior can then lead to promiscuity in high school.

If you connect to any of this and are still readying, I thank you. This feels like a monologue which it is . . . ha. But it may be a tiny bit helpful to someone.

Ok. Back to the boundary creation which then led to unconditional love. When a person closes one door, others open. The doors that open could be studies in complimentary therapies. We are told in this society that Western medicine is the only way to go. And to listen to the doctors even if it is not in sync with the self. Reiki, Healing Touch, Health Kinesiology, healing cards, workshops and classes in other forms are abundant. Circles of like-minded individuals can be of help as well.. Personally, the trust of a circle of women led me to learn unconditional love in a surprising way.

No, I do not think the women in the circles were filled with unconditional love for me. Definitely not. I strongly believe that no 3D human being on earth is capable of unconditional love. They may say they do but it’s not the truth. There has been way too much programming in our society which leads to judgement every second. There is, however a dimension of all that is capable of unconditional love. And that is what I recalled at a retreat I attended in southern Minnesota.

One of the presenters at the retreat was a woman who did a gallery reading in which she was in contact with those that had passed. She sat with the circle of us (maybe 20 women) and was bringing forth information from those who had transitioned. It was interesting. I had shared with the medium earlier in the day that I welcomed a friend of mine to come through and communicate if he chose. This was my first experience of what the presence of one who had passed can be if a medium is present to help communicate. It was a very big deal for me and the start of recalling unconditional love.

I have always been able to visualize so I felt comfortable with receiving the information. With the direction and assistance of the retreat leader in her book, I was able to relax and welcome the information. When I did, the visualization received was amazing. The vision was what we in our earthly dimension appear to be from the perspective of one who has transitioned. It was absolutely beautiful. There were no buildings or structures other than rolling hills of green and then there were shimmering iridescent lights in multiple colors and densities that I have never seen before. The most wonderful was the love that I felt. It still brings tears to my eyes. To be flooded with a warm glow and know that I don’t have to do or say or be anything other than myself in order to be loved.

A few years later, I had a couple of similar experiences with another intuitives. One unexpectedly communicated the essence of my grandfather. And another taught me a simple exercise which connected me to my inner self. The experiences came at a time when I was especially open to receiving them, so they were very helpful for me to move on.

Unconditional love came through in a protective message. It was communicated that my grandfather would have been there to protect me when I was small. To know there is someone who loves me unconditionally is life changing since I had not experienced it before. Especially growing up in the Catholic church, one does not sense there is a loving entity of any sort – it is all based on sin and repentance and shame and giving money to the church.

The other intuitive directed me to daily reflect on what would I being doing and where would I be if I was connected with source. The powerful revelation was that the “source” is me!! I am the source. If I connect with myself, I am able to move on. Now feeling unconditional love I was ready to love myself and know myself as the source of my creation. This is huge coming from a person who lacked all connection to any source of anything other than false sources of admiration and satisfaction.

When I say “move on” it wasn’t physically. Moving on to me at the time always meant a physical move because that was my experience growing up. I could spend my energy by staying home and “moving on” from there.

With the feeling of unconditional love, for the first time I felt worthy of loving my daughter. It sounds strange and cruel. Like why don’t all mothers love their children? But with the case of my daughter, it was complicated. But now it’s much different, I am happy to write.

Conversations with my daughter helped me to place healthy boundaries with regard to the relationships with the rest of my family. The boundaries allowed me to breathe and journey into places I never would have otherwise.

It’s not easy. It’s a lot of work. And it’s not all happy work. There are new definitions and new emotions for what one experiences. I invite you to simply be with yourself and breathe. The programmed mind wants to be in a state of joy in order to be “right” or “good” but perhaps the state of being is enough for now.

Continue to learn, experience and breathe. Embrace the sleepless nights, the hours of writing or creating art. The new conversations may take you to uncomfortable places in your mind and there you can decide to visit for a while or move on.

Thank you for reading this post, the title of which is inspired by the rain today that in turn became the flow of words on the screen.


Please note that this is the first time writing to another person and being a part of a relationship with the reader. It’s all about evolving! Perhaps its the start of a healthy and loving relationship. One where we can help each other, cheer each other on, speak honestly and continue to evolve. Thank you again.

And I know, according to some, that this post may be too long but I’m here to break rules it seems with regard to all kinds of writing and such. It’s sort of random and flows differently but it’s me and it comes from my heart. The heart is not linear and a student of grammar and professional writing. The heart simply is.












I am a PTSD

Energy Center Illumination. Tree of Light within Aligned with Life.


A Person Thriving and Surviving Daily

I was going to talk about this topic at the vlog hosted by a new business venture in the Minneapolis sky way. They asked me last week to join them in conversation and I said yes to this week.

But per the usual which I try and try to change, I am self sabotaging the opportunity I’ve always wanted. I don’t show up, figuring they are too busy and would rather speak to big radio personalities and other people.

One is set up to survive and thrive if you survived being birthed into this world. Especially if you’ve reached adulthood.

It’s been a couple of weeks since starting this post. I look back on the term I used “self sabotage” and see it differently. The new perspective is derived from an evaluation of the many years spent studying and practicing energy medicine or spiritual healing or metaphysics. Pick one, they are all similar in my mind. For a brief moment I felt myself negatively judging the studies as not worth it. But every second has been worth it because I have learned to start to love myself.

The self sabotage is now seen simply as a simplification of life. There is no need to stress out about being seen as a weirdo with regard to a spin on something not backed up by any science, for it is simply personal opinion. In the past, there was a need to stand out to compete for that which is necessary to survive. Do, do, do. But now, I love myself a little more and create healthy boundaries for myself. It is not necessary to write, write, write or share, share, share or fix, fix, fix. It’s ok to simply show up, do my best work and trust that I’ll be ok.

A call a few years ago with a few people comes to mind. The man on the line asked what I had learned from studying energy medicine – specifically Reiki. My answer was, “I learned how to be a nice person.” “Ah” he responded.

I had always been a “yes” person, saying yes to almost every request and giving in to go with the flow so as to try to keep everyone happy. What that practice does is take away from the self. Saying yest to everyone might keep the peace temporarily but in the long run it creates havoc. In one scenario the havoc becomes the emotional storm of a completely exhausted person who has spent the week working, running kids around to all the activities, trying to provide nourishing meals, caring for the family pets, managing the house and everything else that goes into the daily survival of a family. The emotional storm shows up as tears and accusations and anger and frustration.

Or the emotional storm can get stuffed away and not expressed, showing up years later as different disease states.

If I had studied energy medicine instead of nursing in college, I would have been ok with myself much earlier. I would have realized there is no need to constantly look outward for love or attention. Because that’s all I really wanted out of life is to feel loved.

But the journey is what it is. And I am grateful for every step. I have to be. For I am a Person Thriving and Surviving Daily.