I did it again. I forced myself to drive over six hours to the apartment I rented months ago on a quest for peace and joy. It had been a couple months and as painful as the trip can be, I always find myself transformed.
This time, I found myself so exhausted that I stopped five or six times at rest areas and once I fell asleep for who knows how long. I woke up with a gasp and somewhat disoriented. Luckily it was a lovely 50-degree day with the sun shining. Perfect weather for napping in the car.
What was different this time? I observed myself not feeling any remorse for leaving. I did not make sure the house was spotless. I did not prepare chopped goodies for the cats and dog. I did not arrange for the care of the animals other than to remind my husband that I was going to be gone for the week. He can handle it all. The second difference was that I packed all the food I need for the week. The third difference was all of the clothing I need for the week fit into one small suitcase. I recalled a reading received a while back, “travel lightly” and “they will be fine.”
Carry no burdens. Trust everyone is fine.
I drove up to the apartment, parked, grabbed a couple of things, walked up the salted pathway, noticed fresh paint in the hall, noticed the apartment to the right seemed empty, walked up the stairs, unlocked the door, stepped in and thought, “Oh, I love it here.” I do thing that sometimes at the house up north but not the same way. It is usually “I love the sunshine coming in through the windows” at the house but not walking in the door and immediately thinking that I love it there.
(And now I am crying)
Brought in the food bin. Placed the refrigerated items in the fridge and left the rest for later. Carried in the suitcase and plopped it on the floor of the bedroom. Threw my jacket on the bed of the small room.
THAT felt good. To simply toss my jacket on the bed and not be concerned about hanging it up in the closet or thinking someone is going to reprimand me for leaving my coat somewhere. Not that anyone does that at the house, but it’s always on my mind to keep things a bit more tidy because I live with someone. It’s not bad but it is more work.
I felt a bit energized and peaceful but completely starved. I have been eating food that will encourage my thyroid to function properly and encourage adrenal function. Things like wild blueberries, celery, cucumbers, spinach, mangos, lettuce. More fruits and veggies with one serving of protein per day. Plus the water has to be infused with something such as cucumbers/celery or coconut water.
Anyway, it was really nice to simply care for myself and fill the kitchen with the nourishment my body needs to thrive.
On Monday, I woke up at 7:30am, connected online for a couple of meetings and enjoyed working remotely with the wonderful team I have been blessed to work with for over a year. At the end of the day, I traveled to Guided by Angels Center for Healing which is about 11 miles away. They welcome people to stop by from 5-7pm to chat and then there is usually some kind of activity at 7pm. Every Monday there is a guided meditation.
I drove up and noticed one car in the parking lot. Walked in to find Emad sitting on the sofa. He smiled, greeted me and invited me to sit in the comfy chair directly across from him. We talked about his new job. He works at a residential facility to help teen girls heal. Four nights a week he finds himself at a place where the girls are fighting with their lives and trying to survive. I know he is a blessing for them all. I looked at him and saw a refreshing and joyful energy. He is living his purpose.
The small room filled as it got closer to 7pm for the meditation. The lights were turned down. Emad sat next to me for a few seconds and I was overcome with his divine and peaceful presence. He quickly moved across the circle to sit directly across from me. The meditation began. Breathe in. Breathe out. Be with your breath. And other words of loving kindness. We all sat there afterwards in a state of peaceful bliss. Emad mentioned he would be there until 9pm. So I asked if I could please request a reading from him. He said yes. And then at about 8:15, we went to his office for the reading. I sat in a big, comfy recliner facing a print of a dock at a lake. The weird thing about the dock was that there was a post at the end of the dock like it would stop me from jumping in the lake. To the left was a print of hands creating a heart around the sun. And to the right was an angel.
We started talking. He sees things and knows things. Each session is meant to release emotional blocks. I told him the story of breaking my nose and falling down the stairs on my birthday. I wanted to know why! “Ah,” Emad says, “I do not see emotional blocks with you, it’s more of a belief. What are you stopping yourself from doing?” I said, “I do not know!” I could have said things like leave my husband or something ridiculous like that but it did not seem right. So through the discussion, we discovered that my old belief was that source/God/the Cosmos/the Universe is against me. For whatever reason, I developed a belief that I cannot have fun, experience joy or loving kindness without the world crashing down around me. That nothing I do matters, cuz it’s all going to turn to shit. Everything from people being nice to me to get something they want. To men raping me. To my mother being nice for false reasons and then turning her back to speak horrible things about me. To the people at a previous place of employment that gave me tons of projects, took all my wonderful work, worked me to the bone and then treated me poorly. To the cop that pulled me over for singing love songs. To giving birth to children and having them stolen from me. To society starting a war that my son had to go fight. To society filling the minds of children with false concepts only to suck the energy out of them and turn them into zombies who are unable to create brilliance and know their divinity until they work to recall the source of their being. To the cat tripping me. To the cat attacking me. Even though I give them the best food and loving care. (Ok. I did yell at the cat a few times but that was after he had pissed all over my house and attacked dozens of people). To me joyfully learning energy healing to help people but then getting reprimanded at the senior care facility for buying the man a couple pair of pants. And so many other things that turned to shit.
The list goes on. I did not share the list during the reading. But it was understood. I list it here for effect. Cuz I like drama.
I used the word ridiculous several times and he said it was significant. Nothing else, it’s just something to ponder.
Emad says to me, “I am going to tell you something very difficult to hear.” I said, “Oh please tell me! I want to hear it all.” He said something that has completely left my mind. It did not seem that difficult at all to hear. Or perhaps I did not hear it because I was not ready. I remember things about resisting and if I resist, it only persists. And to let go of something forever. If I find myself letting go over and over, then I did not let go of it.
Over and over Emad would tell me things until I seemed to understand or I caved in out of exhaustion and exasperation. I wanted this but the belief was still there. I did not trust this kind person to help me quite yet.
And then permission was given for Emad to release the belief. He then looked at me, “Do you see things?” “Yes.” “There are three angels standing behind you.” He looks at them and smiles, nods and says, “They are here to guide you.” He nods again, “You are going to be fine.”
(I am crying again.)
A practical daily exercise was prescribed. Each night I am to journal four questions:
1. Where am I with source?
2. Where would I be if source was on my side?
3. What am I resisting?
4. What am I now accepting?
These four questions have transformed my life in a matter of days.
I got home around 9:30pm and then journaled until midnight. The next morning I woke up and read a text message from my sister about a living funeral for our brother but then she said he doesn’t want one. I replied to the message and then told her about my reading and how I discovered that the reason I fell flat on my face is because I had a belief that source was against me. She said, “But you ARE God, the source, the universe, the cosmos. So are you against yourself?” I replied, “Apparently.” and then “Thank you so much for the clarity! I am going to go dance!”
And I danced. For I knew that very second, with my entire being, that it was ridiculous to believe that source is against me or that I am against myself. And ridiculous to have any beliefs because they are false. The subtle healing had taken place and then in an instant everything aligned! Hooray!
I create loving kindness. I care for myself. And through the loving kindness of myself, the exponential effect is radiated out to all and none. It simply is.
The challenge now seems to be the third question, “What am I resisting.” So far it seems that I am resisting just being present in the moment. I am resisting breathe. But each day I learn to breathe again.