Disturbance runs deep so I will entertain it for three minutes here on this white screen,with light gray type and a cursor that moves at my command when I press the magical keys. I take this all for granted some days but right now it is a bit mesmerizing. Reruns of “Third Rock from the Sun” play in the background.
Deep down I am pissed off at society.
This is how it goes: an act of violence takes place and many people transition. We gasp, we mourn, we demand something must change, we demand something be done. And then what happens? An extremely violent film makes a record amount of money on opening week. WHAT IS WRONG? People cry out about guns and violence and this rule must change or blame the person in charge. You know what? Each individual is in “charge” of themselves.
If we truly did not want any further violence to take place, we would turn away from all violence. Only attend kind films. Only play gentle games. Only celebrate peace.
A theory awaits in the following paragraphs on why this outrage plays out over and over and over again.
Here it goes. Here it comes. Whatever, I’m tired and can’t find the right words. Read on if you like. Doesn’t matter to me, I just want to enjoy the self expression.
Gifts received. This is a slight tangent so be patient with me. On my birthday I fell flat on my face, breaking my nose. Visited the ER and got the x-ray and the typical, “Oh we can’t do anything for you.” from the doctor who then charged me over $400. I came home and slid down the stairs on my ass. Bruised and battered, I had many hours of contemplation surrounding me. Why did this happen? What message did this bruise body send my way?
Answer found. It was my subconscious communicating my believe that source is against me. Knowing that I am the source of my reality, that meant that I WAS AGAINST ME. Ridiculous. Idiotic. I finally realized after decades of self-sabotage. For weeks now, I have been journaling on four topics. 1. Where am I with source? 2. What would I do if source was on my side? 3. What am I resisting? 4. What do I need to do to accept? What I realize that my believe that source was against me was unfounded and silly. Honestly fucked up. With a bit of help, I let go of whatever the hell it was that got me to the ridiculous place of self hatred and I never looked back. Every day and every moment is just what it is without definition.
Questions arise. What if this self hatred is true of a large portion of our society? What if? And what if self hatred was shifted into knowing that source is always with us and always on our side? Knowing that life can be simple and easy if we can just be with ourselves, be kind to ourselves, be loving and nurturing? Simply KNOW IT. It transcends self love and becomes an existence no one can define nor describe.