One of the most wonderful things about working remotely is the freedom to express my true feeling about something instantly. Instead of covering things up and stuffing the emotions, I am able to let them go immediately. The frustrations. The joys. And everything in between. So then why does my body ache?
You know how films and books show up in amazing ways? Well, I just finished watching “Unrest” by Jennifer Brea which is about Myalgic Encephalomyelitis or Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and other autoimmune disorders. These disorders effect women statistically more than men.
I am one of those people diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder, scleroderma. It started back in 2001 or about then, when the office I was working in relocated to a facility where there was a lot of heavy metals stored. I reported to my physician that my fingers turn white often and especially when exposed to cooler temperatures. This was the physical manifestation calling attention to something very subtle yet powerful. I was also experiencing bouts of emotional upset. I was experiencing the constant need to be with my children and to fight the organization to relocate back to where our office was prior to moving. I was blind to it at the time, but it was the beginning of my transformation. It has been a painful journey and now I feel grateful for the reflection.
Back to the white fingers… my physician ran some tests and diagnosed scleroderma. It effects my hands and feet with something called Raynauds Phenomenon where my fingers and toes turn white and then purple and then red when they start to warm up. The years of having Raynauds has resulted in very puffy hands which my brother-in-law calls oven mitts. I also have esophageal dysfunction which causes heartburn. So I cannot sleep at night. It has also scarred my lungs and kidneys so that I have limited function with regard to activity and pay close attention to the fluids and foods I eat which effect my kidneys. My blood vessels are also thickened. They do not work the way they should so it has led to tissue damage and high blood pressure. Muscle weakness limits my ability to work and do other things in my life. I have had to choose between work and helping with yard work. I can no longer do both and haven’t been able to for almost 10 years. For years, I chose not to work so that I could help around the house but that flipped a year ago when I started working downtown as a contractor.
This is all complicated by the fact that I do not have adequate health insurance. I have not been able to go to the doctor for years because I cannot afford tests or medication. Instead, I turned to alternative medicine for several years. The only thing it did was help to change my mindset about working outside the home. I feel a bit better earning enough money to pay for my own food. Plus my husband is a bit more content with me paying for all of my own expenses.
I am not a victim. I am not a survivor. I am not a warrior. I am simply me.
I recall sitting at a small table in the deli of a local grocery store with a “friend” sitting across from me. She has been on medical disability for many years due to the severe effects scleroderma has had on her body. The sun was shining strongly on us both as we enjoyed a light lunch. My “friend” looks at me and says, “have you thought about going on disability? You might want to.” I was appalled at her suggestion. To me, disability is a full time job and one I did not want to apply for. Instead I chose to distance myself from that “friend” and started working full time.
Working full time has given me one thing: peace. I earned enough money to rent an apartment for myself to work from one week per month. The surprising benefit was the 7-hour drive. I’ve done more for myself on those drives than I have in my entire life. Can’t say I nicer person or happier person but I am more peaceful.
Where does the tryanny come in to play? It’s the oppression of being human. The incarceration of the mind which keeps us lonely behind bars. The conditions shift but the end result is the same. I’m either imprisoned by lack of money or imprisoned by my fear of not having enough money so I become a slave to the whims and desires of my employer.
I have yet to find a solution, probably because it really isn’t a problem. It simply is what it is. All I have to do is breathe.
And now I continue with this post after writing the night before. I woke up this morning knowing the source of ME/CFE. It is simply the journey of humankind. We create our reality and we have created this reality. Sure there is a historic record of this and that and stories of women being treated a certain way and having conditions and such. But it is more than that written history. There is the unwritten history. The unwritten present. The unwritten future. And that is where the magic and miracles exist.
We recall, deep within. Some of us anyway. A time when men and women existed in harmony. There was no violence or conditions where people completely shut down. And if there were conditions where individuals completely shut down, they did not live very long. Survival of the fittest, you know.
Let’s go back to when we all existed in harmony. Did we really? If we look at nature in a calm state, there is harmony. But then a storm comes along or a fire and there is chaos but after the chaos there is a rebirth and renewal. Nature does not morn and lament. Nature springs forth with new life!
Out of the perceived chaos of ME/CFS there is a rebirth. There is a rebirth of loving kindness. Without this, we would not develop and recall what we all have within us. We would not recognize that we are capable of caring for one another. We would not ask for help in times of need. We CRAVE loving kindness. So, until we see that in one another, the capacity for love and light, there will always be suffering.
The light comes from within. It does not come from the sun or moon. It is within each and every being. Every particle is a particle of light. If we were to connect with those who have transitioned from the 3D, we would know this and welcome it into our lives.
Do it now. Meditate. Ask your guides, angels, masters, source to show you what we truly are. You will know it.
Through the suffering, we embrace one another. If the women did not collapse the men and children and other people in their lives never would have been given the chance to recall their light. They never would have been given the chance to see the light in others.
In a way, it is the fault of women for thinking that they are the only ones capable of providing and creating life. It is not so. We all create. We are all light. Just because a women carries a child in her womb does not make her superior to men. No. That is where we went wrong. That is why men rebelled and began the campaign to teach women to be humble and know that they are not superior to men. Of course it was not done in a way that women prefer. We did not want to be raped and treated unkindly. No.
As society evolves. We see. We learn. We recall. It’s ridiculous. Sad. Disgusting. Joyful. Miraculous.
Be with the suffering. Help one another. See one another as the essence of light. If you can’t use the word love, then don’t find a different word for yourself. We see because the light reflects off of the creation and we capture it in our essence as that which we misinterpret. But know the truth. Know that everything created is light. We are the same as the tree, the snowflake, the bird, the bug, the sounds, the light, the thoughts, the unknown. We are. I am.
Do not march to bring more awareness to suffering. It only makes the suffering grow and it only feeds the suffering and makes it grow to into an uncontrollable entity.