Self serving? Yes. Sometimes it’s ok to enjoy dessert first. To know the unknown with curiosity is the quest. But with dessert first, the discovery is preceded with sweetness. Much like someone who starts a serious criticism with a compliment and then the criticism seems less harsh. Much like taking time to think about the words to be spoken first. Focus on how they can be communicated in the most effective way.
Although one might argue the point that blunt serves a purpose as well. True.
That was a digression from the pain I have been experiencing full force over the past few weeks after my daughter introduced the concept of daughters of narcissistic mothers. I have some narcissistic tendencies that have most likely damaged my children. And for that, I am truly sorry. I ask for the help of angels, masters, archangels, gurus, teachers and benevolent beings from all dimensions to assist my children with the healing that will help them to know they are loved. I am sorry that I was not able to love them the way they needed to be loved.
No excuses. I take full responsibility for my absences, my indulgent tirades, my unrealistic expectations, my irritability, my lack of compassion, my inability to empathize due my stubborn blindness and my lack of mature communication. I own it all. It is on my shoulders, the burden which the pain resides. And in my heart, I swell with sadness.
On the flip side I also honor the full acceptance, love, encouragement and current work I am doing to heal my inadequacies. For I am the source of my own healing. I seek that which will help me to expand and channel the exponential beams of grace to shine on my children. And if children learn by example perhaps somehow I will show them they are worthy to love themselves and be ok with who they are.
May my children know they are pure light and love. That their brilliance may have been dimmed by my darkness but I see them and want to remind them of their divinity. I cannot change them but I can be the source of my own evolution that will hopefully help them somehow.
I’ve got the work ethic and the passion. I now apply it with a full heart and lion-like courage and tiger-like strength and fluid resonance.
Time folds upon this moment like an accordion of stardust mixed with song.
Back into my body, I reside and cry the tears of so many moments lost. Of so many moments filled with misinterpretations and disgust. From this moment on and from this moment back, there is only the intent of loving kindness, patience and everything my children need and needed from me. I give them the gifts allowed now by the admission paid in full.
I want to be real. And I am. I want to be in touch with my feelings. To know sadness, joy, disgust, anger, confusion, delight. And I want to share them openly and honestly. And in that, may the present be the gift received by innocence.
Alone, I have found truth. There it was with every rotation of the wheels on the highway between there and here and here and there. Most recently, I forced myself to make the trip from Minneapolis to Bellevue. Why should I leave a comfortable space where the days and nights go on and on with a gray neutrality mixed with sporadic moments of hopeful joy? Why? Because it is my purpose to bring myself to a humble place where I succumb to the pain of the children. And finally accept my purpose which is to lift the pain from the shoulders of my chidren and carry it myself. It was not their burden to carry, it was mine.
There were many, many good times. But the shadows of the negative may have erased that which was only captured in a photography. For the truth was between the photos.
I spent time with my sister today. We spoke of how the revelation of being in a home dictated by a narcissistic parent lifts a great burden off out shoulders. The anger, sadness and disgust with ourselves no longer resides in our hearts. THIS IS HUGE!! I don’t even know how to explain it other than to compare the feeling to the snow melting in the sunshine to reveal the spring flowers.