I sit here in the apartment leased one year ago. Much of the stuff has either been donated, packed into my car or will have new homes by the end of the month. The energy feels neutral. As if a project is near completion but absent from judgement.
To summarize the experiences: I gained the courage to walk with wildflowers.
Yesterday, the trip from Bellevue to Minneapolis revealed inspiration from the “On Being” podcast and much more as the voice recorder filled up hour after hour of introspective thoughts and musings. The podcast that inspired me most was that of Michael Longley, an Irish poet. His lyrical expression moved me and set the tone for the travels of the day. And the interview with Angel Kyodo Williams triggered me with her reliance on labels to continue with her victimhood. Angel’s words triggered an awareness in me and a compassionate empathy. To give pain and suffering to a societal ill, is to lift a burden of the soul.
On and on. Mile after mile.
The voice recordings labeled June 2a, June 2b, June 2c, June 2d, June 2e, June 2f, June 2g, June 2h. I rambled. Paused. Rambled again in thought, words and moving along the highway. (HIGH way)
I felt stuck and not as ease with a question posed to me over the past week, “What did you like to do as a child?” This perplexing question, when asked of a person who has been searching for love only through doing what others ask of her, leads to sadness and searching. For a person who only recently started to create healthy boundaries, it is a mountain as high as the sky.
“What did you like to do as a child?” “What brings joy to your heart?”
Hmmmm. Not sure if one is worthy of such lavish but simple treats. But that would be the easy way out. To simply dismiss the question. But instead, I embraced the challenge.
Perhaps the answer lies in the sentences above. Perhaps the answer is to the question, “What did you like to do as a child” is communicate through voice and words! I loved to talk and sing and express myself through dance and now I express this with the practice of blogging.
Excuse the metaphysical tangent…
There was a class led by Cyndi Dale at Normandale Community College titled, “Energy Medicine.” And in one of the first classes she introduced the class to the “clairs:”
- Claircognizance – intuitive knowledge
- Clairvoyace – intuitive vision
- Clairaudience – intuitive audio or hearing
- Clairsentience – intuitive knowing by feeling
- Clairsalience – intuitive smell
- Clairtangency – intuitive knowing by touching
- Clairtaction – intuitive touch
- Clairgustance – intuitive taste
- Clairempathy – intuitive feeling of emotion
- Claireloquence – intuitive communicating
- Clairessence – intuitive embodiment
A few were added to the list above after referencing a post by Emily Matweow OkinHealth. The gift of clairaudience has been observed most often by me throughout my life so perhaps, a form of that gift can transcends into that which gives purpose and meaning to daily life. Utilize the gift of clairaudience to hear that which screams and begs to be revealed through words and actions. Utilize the gift of clairaudience to intuitively communicate that which is needed on behalf of loved ones, friends, family, colleagues and employers to manifest what they need to thrive and survive in this physical plane.
The question changes to: “What gift, when shared with the world, brings you to your essential self?” The essential self may not be a joyful person. Perhaps the essence of self is civilized, serene, passionate, or withdrawn. No judgement. Simply be the essence of the self. Whatever that may be. For to tell all that joyful happiness is the only way to be, is false and misleading. It is a misinterpretation.
Prior to this awareness, there was a feeling of stagnance and inability to move forward. But now, with innate wisdom and grace, the question is what needed to change. Not the answer. There was no need to change and feel stagnant or unworthy in order to answer the question. I had the power to change the question into something with a bit more relevance and evolutionary.
I watched a video posted by a couple of friends. It was a video of Terry Crews titled “Speak Up” which prompted the following posts:
More than anything. I want to speak up. Speak out. Encourage others to change their lives by sharing their stories. And to allow the courage and strength to enter into their body, mind and soul – TO KNOW THAT YES, YOU ARE WORTHY.
I come home to a place where I am emotionally neglected. I come home to a place where I have to be fearful of my physical existence. Where sleep is not peaceful because I fear being violated constantly. I come home to my spirit and mind and body each moment not feeling and knowing love and acceptance. I come home to something I know can be different but search, search, search for the strength and courage to finally accept that I am worthy. That is my number one purpose in life right now, to finally realize that I am unconditionally loved by a source within me.
It is not a pity party. It is not dwelling in victimhood. It is a quest for freedom. And freedom shall ring in my heart. Yes it shall. And NO this does not give you permission to try to fix me or pity me or feel sorry for me in any way. It is not a pass for you to sell me something or turn me into a pawn for your “cure” or “treatment.” No it is not. For I am finished for paying for the cure and paying for the treatment. There must be some other way because nothing. None of that has had any effect. It may be that the only freedom bell is for me is to scream and shout and stomp my foot on the ground and say enough is enough. I will not be the one to give flowers or gifts in hopes that I may be loved some day. I will not be the one that will pay hundreds or thousands of dollars in hopes of knowing I am worthy.
Why can’t he or she go away? Why must I always be the one to take action? Why can’t I stay here and realize my freedom fully? Why can’t I place my stake here in my space and say enough is enough and then demand that my abuser leave immediately?
Why can I not speak up and be heard?
I can. And I will.
Toward the end of the trip yesterday, I asked the question, “How does one heal from an entire lifetime of not experiencing or knowing love?” How is it possible? If one was neglected since conception and born into a family that was not capable of loving the child and then torn away from almost every source of love the child had a chance to experience love in order to survive and thrive with. How?
The tears flowed I did not expect an answer but I got one a few minutes later. I looked to a sign on the side of the highway which read “George 12” as in the exit ramp to the city of George was 12 miles away. I cling to signs in time of needs. And that sign gave me the answer I was looking for. George is my “Super G” a grandfather figure who came to me months ago to communicate that he, given the chance, would be here with me as I go through a rebirth. As an infant and then mature woman. He would protect me from everything and love me unconditionally. As he would have if he had been with me in person as a small child but was unable to, due to circumstances predetermined. I trusted this “Super G” grandfather figure and thanked him. And then I let him go so I could integrate and assimilate this essence of unconditional acceptance and love.
And then I realized it may be that the Source was the one from which this essence of myself arises. A powerful yet undefined essence that I search for. A breath. A particle. A minute realm of reality to which I had been blocked.
As it should be, we manifest reality instantly. Just as I write this, I find myself surrounded by love. I visited with a dear friend this afternoon and was blessed with the presence of my sons for dinner. Absolutely amazing people all round me. Tomorrow will be the same. I ride the bus each morning and arrive at an office filled with kind, gentle, caring geniuses. Each of them carry out tasks each day that completely humble me. All of them sharing with the immediate world, their gifts with grace.
For all this, I am grateful. Just as I am grateful for each element defined and undefined. I am grateful for this moment and the ability to share my thoughts through the motion of touching the pads of a keyboard and having them form words which travel through to anyone who would care to read them. An I am grateful for you, for the individual who takes the time to read my writing.
Thank you. I am humbled by you and how you are able to carry on each and every day through every experience unique and common.
OK. I am finished. What is the opposite of angry? Calm? Happy? I’ll go for calm. But I would love to stay passionate about the topic of speaking out. Only two to four people read my posts anyway. So none of this makes any difference. I’m done.