We accept a path of ease and know we stand on a base of safety, creativity, connection, love, wisdom and truth.
Tomorrow is my rebirth day. I am one year old.
I write this trying to not make it all about me because I am keenly aware of narcissism. What if I am a narcissist? The intention is to NOT inflict the behavior of a narcissist on others.
But, this moment it is about me and how my choice to be present enough to accept healing might have had a microscopic but exponential effect on how we have evolved. Probably not, but I will entertain the notion for a moment just for fun.
A year ago I was born again at a full moon ceremony where a shaman called forth all of those who want to let go. I stepped forth and let go of feeling unloved, incest and decades of rape. I cried like I have never cried before as the shaman announced that I can choose to release and to step across the altar, walk across to the east and be reborn. I did step across and shook violently with the release of the heavy energy. Many others stepped across to the east that day. All of the men in the group went from woman to woman and expressed “I take back what my brothers have done to you. I take it and return it to the creator.” Powerful message and action.
I have not attended a ceremony like that since. There was a part of me that felt guilty for the gift. And a part of me that doubted there was even anything to release in the first place. What if I had made it all up? What if it never happened to me? What if it did happen but I deserved it and “signed up” for it in this lifetime as a contract with another?
Well, first of all, when someone tells you that you signed up for suffering, tell them that the statement is bullshit. BULLSHIT. It’s excrement. That which we do not need. And then take action to let it go.
I did not sign up for any of the shit. So, around the middle of the year, I decided that I was done with the shit show. The magnificent shit show was over. All the cast took a bow, the audience applauded the performance and the show closed up.
Over the year, it was revealed to me why I would feel guilty for receiving such a generous gift. And with the knowing, I chose to turn suffering and misconceptions into thinghood where I was able to let it go. The transformation has resulted in a much different reality than previous. One I would not have imagined.
By transforming narcissistic programming into a thing and letting it go, I also let go of many relationships. AND more importantly, I have witnessed women release old programming and step into their truth. I have witnessed men release old programming and step into their truth.
What becomes of us when we no longer suffer? When we no longer blame the past? When we no longer allow the past to shape the present moment? When we no longer fear the future? What becomes of us? What becomes of us when we no longer judge or reward with false praise? What becomes of us when we accept all for who they are in the present moment? When we do not condemn? When we do not place anyone on a pedestal of false adoration? When we do not act out of guilt or fear? What becomes of us when we feel safe? When we are no longer addicted? When we are free of all burdens? When we let go of the older programming that we were born of sin and therefore must be forgiven?
We becomes of us? What are we now? In this moment, what are we?
I do not know. None of us know. And God does not know. And if anyone claims to know, they are mistaken, for we are constantly creating and not knowing is a part of the joyful and glorious deal.
This true truth – the truth which is that of pure light. The truth that is not clouded by misconceptions and programming. This truth integrates the essence of who I am into who I am.
Peaceful. Strong. Loved. Loving. Nourished. Feeling. Sensing. Knowing. Because I simply am.
I am not here to fix you or tell you how to think or act. Do whatever you want.
Thanks for reading this entry.
Oh, I found my original writing from the day of my rebirth: Here it is:
I have spent my entire life shutting it all out but my body told me what happened is real because I was shaking like a leaf for an entire hour after the experience. “I am Wendy and I release the sadness of an entire lifetime and beyond of not being loved, of molestation and decades of rape.” “It sounds like tears dropping and it sounds like silence when there is no chatter covering it up.” Julius Horse Hoffman who was the mediator of the experience says to me, “You’ve done the work. Let it go. It’s no longer your story. Look at me, my grandfathers were both pedophiles but now I am Julius age 52. That’s all I am. I am not them. If you are ready to go to the east and release, walk across the altar.” And he took my hand and we walked slowly across the altar. Pausing briefly, he asked, “What will you find in the East?” “Joy” I crossed the altar and was sobbing. And continued to shake for another hour as I listened to the other people let go. I cried and cried for all of them that were truly doing the work and crossing over the the East. My right arm was shaking and shaking. I had a huge adrenalin rush. Had to walk out when the last person spoke. I returned to see her wrapped in Horse’s blanket. He was holding her and she was sobbing. The universe had protected me from hearing her story because it would have been too much for me to handle. I think it may have been her daughter was murdered or something. And then she was carried and placed on the altar which was a rug in the center of the circle with a bear skin and element blankets with sacred articles on them. All of the men in the group came forward and placed their hands on her one at a time repeating, “I take back what my brothers have done to you. I take it and return it to the creator.” Over and over. And then all of the men went to each woman in the outside circle and said the same thing. Some whispered in my ear. Some looked me in the eyes. Some held my hands. It was so loving and amazing on all dimensions. I have never felt to loved in my entire life. At one point, I finally stopped shaking. The most empowering part that nobody was pitying me, for we had healed. We were one. All in it together. Everyone had transformed. There was no need to coddle or feel sorry or want to feel superior to anyone. Some cried. Some screamed. Some yelled. Some were sarcastic. Some stayed seated. All amazing. And one surprising moment when a man let go of a woman. He stayed on the West and she walked to the east as a way of cutting cords. Another woman walked backwards and she distanced herself from the abuse of her father. She left that hurt child behind. I also learned that it is not necessary to tell your story over and over as a means of getting pity or attention that keeps you in the same place. Simply state who you are and a very short summary of where you have been.