No this is not a suicide note. It’s quite the opposite. It is a note on how I flipped everything upside down and found peace in an unconventional place that nobody has ever told me about. But at the same time everyone has told me about but it was taboo to go there. Until now.
I am reading the book, “You are a Baddass” by Jen Sincero. One of the chapters is about finding your purpose. An exercise suggests finding my passion by noticing what I fantasize about on a regular basis. That’s easy. I fantasize about dying. Not about killing myself but about being reborn and experiencing everything from a fresh perspective. And I have also been practicing present moment techniques. Mix the fantasy with present moment with my talent for flipping things upside down . . . and . . viola! I found a creative way to feel peaceful.
Instead of constantly repeating something that seems utterly impossible for me, “I am the essence of ease and joy.” I decided to repeat, “I am dead.”
For a while it felt like I had totally given up hope. I did in a sense. I gave up delusional hope of an unattainable joyful and easy essence simply by wishing it so in a false way just because someone told it me it would work. And yes, being delusional can sometimes lead to wonderful things but in this case it simply was not.
Repeating the mantra “I am the essence of ease and joy” didn’t work. All it did was create an anger in me so intense that I was making myself and everyone around me completely miserable. I won’t repeat any of my pity stories because it’s pointless.
Instead, the mantra, “I am dead” worked like a magic wand.
I am dead and have completely let go and am free. I am dead, and exist on the other side and see everything and everyone as divine light.
For about 30 minutes, I went down the road of making a list of things I would do if I really were truly physically dying. Close accounts, give stuff away, write letters of closure and forgiveness, asking for forgiveness. And then I tore the list up and tossed it in the trash after realizing that I can be dead simply by letting go. I asked for help from all benevolent beings to assist me in my transition.
It seems morbid and cruel. But it’s really not. Because the mantra, “I am dead” simply means I am in a different state of being. One of bliss.
Today, I noticed that all anxiety dissipated. I did not fill the void. I witnessed more laughter and celebration and confidence and acceptance. Every time I felt a bit anxious, I repeated, “I am dead” and everything dissipated immediately.
I now Rest In Peace. But not as a corpse but as a living, breathing human being who feels extremely grateful for the gift of unique perspective.