Huggy Bear, an earthly being is preparing to transition soon. Lucky I am to experience a companionship that creates great sadness at the impending physical separation. I receive this gift with an open heart and gratitude.
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In plain English . . . I am immersed in tears
Being at peace brings a shift undefined until experienced first hand. So it’s basically useless for me to write about it other than I love typing and seeing letter forms appear before me like the rain falling on new grass.
Last year I contracted with a Life Coach not knowing exactly what I needed. But something told me this was going to change my life. Through coaching I created my quest: A vision of feeling free and light in a meadow in the sunshine. I travel, do many different things.
I found freedom and light in a meadow with the rental of an apartment set in the beautiful Fontenelle Forest of Bellevue, NE. I will forever hold the feeling in my heart. I have learned not to cling to something physically for once I have experienced it, it is forever with me. And to feel that again, all I have to do is recall the truth.
I do travel and do many different things. With the apartment being 6 hours away, the travel was one of the most transformational aspects of the journey. The hours on the road were more powerful than I could have ever imagined.
The most surprising was the instant manifestation. Once I found myself in tune with my truth, my soul, my spirit brought forth an alignment which placed me in sync with my essential nature. There was an effortless flow from one action to the next. Not that there wasn’t any sweat or hard work, there was a lot of work involved. Many tears. A broken nose, Broken relationships. New relationships. Boundaries. And evolution.
The new vision for myself is to be with each moment as it presents itself. To experience life as the essence of peaceful joy. To courageously maneuver through it all so that at least one person experiences loving kindness. And in exchange I will share my gifts.
What are my gifts? They are revealing themselves in surprising ways. Sometimes through a morning meditation. Sometimes on the road. Sometimes through dreams. What’s different now is that I receive them with a peaceful gratitude channeled through grace. I do not wish to be the best or to receive great wealth. All I ask is that I am sustained with enough.
Sometimes enough is a small meal. Other times enough is sharing with others all that I can possibly give. Or enough can be fed up with too much and creating a strong boundary with which to spread my wings and fly.
And so it is. See the spring snow and let it tickle your soul.
There is a post in me that is bursting to get on the screen so here it goes.
At what point do the nightmares incite action on my part? Do I ask for resolution in the dream or do I ask for resolution in real life? Do they mirror each other? Does the nightmare infuse and spread throughout or do I pierce the system with a dagger and release the poison into the cosmic nothingness?
Magic surrounds me and emanates from the essence of me.
Transformation comes in the wake of courage. Courage to think, speak, act, give, receive and exist. I started with a simple affirmation this past week: I am the essence of peaceful joy. But in order to realize that essence, I must take bold action of body, mind and soul.
A conundrum arose this past week as I witnessed an expression about a course of study. I sat with my nephew and two of my sisters at a heavy dark wood table with a friendly game of Scrabble sprawled out in the middle of us. My nephew sat down, filling in for the placeholder game piece we had going out of whimsy and fun. We chatted and I asked him what his favorite course was this semester.
“Can I say none?” was his answer.
We bantered a bit more. His mom sat next to him and did not hear any of it. She is focused on encouraging him to get accepted into the field of study she and his girlfriend have chosen for him. Urging him on, keeping him focused on the goal of getting a decent job with a living wage. I honor that. I do. But meanwhile, I see the person sitting across from me who is miserable in his life. I pick up on much that is not communicated out loud. I hear very, very clearly, “Today was a very hard day.”
With compassion, I understand that all parents simply want and desperately need their children to be safe and nourished. To fly from the nest and take flight. As an individual, that safety and nourishment needs to expand into creativity, generosity, giving, receiving, truth, connection and ultimate sense of being.
There is also the hidden agenda many parents have. And that is to keep our children miserable and suffering. As if in their suffering, we may always be needed as parents to provide comfort in times of need. I’m not sure where it comes from and to me it is very twisted. Perhaps it’s a “contract” and if it is, I recognize it as so and ask that all contracts I have with my children to be released. May the wisdom and grace of all dimensions, release our souls from the chains that bind us and set us free.
It reminds me of a similar path I took in college. In high school I excelled in art class and absolutely loved pottery, drafting plans for homes, lettering, drawing and creative visual expression. I was ok at everything else and was completely surprised to receive a literary award upon graduation and a small scholarship. I had plans to attend a university close to home with a focus on art and then life happened. Everyone told me that there was no money in art. That confused me. The concept of not having enough never entered my mind. I had survived up to that point so I figured everything would work out fine. I was simply getting through the moment and could not grasp the concept of a 5-year plan.
The plans for studying art shifted like the wind. Art studies shifted to nursing studies due to life literally spinning me into a vortex and down a rabbit hole designed by some sort of wizard.
I was shot out of the vortex and landed in a different place. In a land where the wind carried me across campus with a depth of sadness I could not comprehend. Nursing became a refuge for three years until graphic design whispered into my ear one summer day. I enrolled in a course of study for something called “advertising design” and IMMEDIATELY grasped every concept, every skill set needed and flourished. I absolutely loved every minute of every class. In sync with the universe at last! I was told, “You are going to be an art director.” Oh my gosh! It was the first time in my life that anyone had EVER said something positive to me about my potential. I had something to live for! I had found a calling! An art director? I did not know what it was at the time but something told me it was right and felt good.
I was eager to finish studies and get out into the real world to practice and work. A much, much different feeling than when I had been studying in nursing. Nursing terrified me. I was never confident about what I was doing with or for patients or the other students. I could not even put on a pair of gloves fast enough.
My nephew is finding his way to his calling and career that energizes him. I also know that I cannot control his current path so I ask all angels, masters, gurus, teachers and guides to be with him now so that he can find peace and joy and strength.
In this time of courage and transformation, I release that which may bring freedom to others. I pause, relishing in the comfort of the wisdom spoken by my rapist. I cower and then pull my shoulders back, take a stance and say with fierce determination, “I am strong, I am worthy and I fly!”
My faults are my strengths. My greatest fault is seeing the good in every situation.
Today, a colleague stood up from his desk and exclaimed, “Today is a really sucky day.” I did not know why he said that, I figured it had something to do with happenings around the office. He deals with a lot of situations with grace and humor but this was different.
When he returned to his desk I asked, “Are you ok?”
“No.”
“Is there anything I can to do help?”
“No.”
And I accepted his answers. Sometimes we need to be with the sadness and feelings.
I learned a little while later why it was a sucky day. Someone had been set free.
I witnessed a woman walking next to the HR employee. Shaking, disheveled and carrying her purse and jacket, she walked next to the HR escort of liberation.
It is always emotional when someone learns, “your position has been eliminated.” As a witness, I observe the confusion, the anger and a bit of jealousy. No, it’s not fair that an older woman who has health issues has her position eliminated because the current job exceeds her capabilities. Her kindness is needed elsewhere. Her grandchildren and family welcome her. She now must re-define the essence of herself. It no longer matters that the job was the one reason the she woke up each day. Who knows. Maybe her job was the one reason she woke up each day saying, “oh shit.” Either way, it is what it is.
The moment is simply meant to be. As are all moments. A blip on the screen. A pebble on the path. A dust speck in the sunlight. A burp after dinner.
If the organization had kept silent and did nothing, maybe the person would have taken longer to moved forward. Perhaps it was her heaven where she felt safe. Or perhaps it was a murky muck of slime where putrid waste grows into a mass so vile that even the strongest steer away. Or maybe it was just mediocre. In any case, she is now free to experience the next great adventure in her life. Or the next peaceful moment. Or the next struggle.
I recall my own liberation experience from a decade ago. I do not swell in the past but witness for its now mild entertainment value. Sort of like watch a rerun of a show with a different perspective. At the time, I knew the liberation was coming and had my office all cleaned out, waiting for the invitation to be walked out. There were signs all around me. The health insurance coverage fee more than tripled. Meetings between people were kept secret. Meetings with individuals for “review” became more frequent. In fact, my clairaudient skills revealed one individual practically screaming in silence, “Oh, she has to go.” I mentioned my observations to my rapist one evening and he said, “Just be patient and wait it out.” The day came. I was invited into an office, told the news and was walked out the door by HR. Twenty-some people were liberated that day. Some of us gathered that same week to support one another on the next jaunt of the itinerary.
One statement stands out in my mind from that time. A friend had a cousin who met with an HR individual a couple of weeks before the layoff and reported the HR person saying, “We have to get rid of the old white people.” Interesting.
My life is a vile mass of muck sometimes. I sprinkle it with glitter. I raise it up to the light. It is what it is. Patience accompanies breath. Breathless moments accompany angst. One moment will align with another moment with the cataclysmic result currently undefined.
I welcome and accept that which I resist most.
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Being alone with myself I ponder and transform into the essence of present truth. It changes from one moment to the next. Judging and analyzing and entertaining myself to no end. I rented an apartment for myself 9 months ago and in the gestation has been an exercise I could have never dreamed of other than the simple dream of peace.
There are benefits to aloneness and certain calamities. Thus the thought stream regarding insurance. Insurance capitalizes off of the human condition of fear. And with fear there comes anger and with anger there becomes violence, the paraphrased words from the movie “A Wrinkle in Time.” I believe it was Mrs. Which. Therefore does insurance feed fear? Or does it subdue fear? I suppose it goes both ways. I fear not having enough money to pay for my car, if it should be damaged beyond my current budget. The insurance covers the cost of the damage. I feel safe and protected.
But what if there was no such thing as insurance? The world would be a different place. If I did not have insurance to completely replace a $39,000 car, then a) I would drive carefully b) I might not seek to purchase a car beyond that which I could afford to replace c) The cost of vehicles would decrease, so that people would still buy them d) the cost of repairs would be lower so that people could afford to pay for repairs e) we would make more money so we could afford to pay for repairs and replacements as needed f) we would never damage ourselves or others.
Same goes with health insurance. Same concept as above. I know for a fact that organizations charge more for services knowing that insurance covers the cost. Again, if there was no insurance then the organizations would find ways to help people in an affordable manner. Fewer elective procedures would lead to self acceptance and living in the present moment. Less judgement.
And if there was no need for insurance. Then the insurance industry would not exist. So society would find other ways to accumulate wealth for themselves. Or not. Perhaps if there was no insurance, there would be less fear. Less fear = a sense of safety. And if there was a sense of safety, then there would be no need to accumulate wealth. Accumulating wealth is an insurance that we will always have enough for ourselves and others. If we recalled the truth that we are enough and will always have enough…what would the world be like? Would we know we are pure light? Would we know we are love, loved and loving?
And what is light? Do we even know what light is? Can we accept the truth that what we’ve been taught to believe is completely different from the truth? What if light is not what we think it is? What if it is not hope and love and kindness? What if we are not pure light? What if we are pure darkness? What if we are mucky, disgusting and vile darkness? What if we are a complete void? What if our attempts to fill the void is what brings suffering? And if we finally choose to be with the suffering, then the cosmos will collapse upon itself and disappear.
One of the most wonderful things about working remotely is the freedom to express my true feeling about something instantly. Instead of covering things up and stuffing the emotions, I am able to let them go immediately. The frustrations. The joys. And everything in between. So then why does my body ache?
You know how films and books show up in amazing ways? Well, I just finished watching “Unrest” by Jennifer Brea which is about Myalgic Encephalomyelitis or Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and other autoimmune disorders. These disorders effect women statistically more than men.
I am one of those people diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder, scleroderma. It started back in 2001 or about then, when the office I was working in relocated to a facility where there was a lot of heavy metals stored. I reported to my physician that my fingers turn white often and especially when exposed to cooler temperatures. This was the physical manifestation calling attention to something very subtle yet powerful. I was also experiencing bouts of emotional upset. I was experiencing the constant need to be with my children and to fight the organization to relocate back to where our office was prior to moving. I was blind to it at the time, but it was the beginning of my transformation. It has been a painful journey and now I feel grateful for the reflection.
Back to the white fingers… my physician ran some tests and diagnosed scleroderma. It effects my hands and feet with something called Raynauds Phenomenon where my fingers and toes turn white and then purple and then red when they start to warm up. The years of having Raynauds has resulted in very puffy hands which my brother-in-law calls oven mitts. I also have esophageal dysfunction which causes heartburn. So I cannot sleep at night. It has also scarred my lungs and kidneys so that I have limited function with regard to activity and pay close attention to the fluids and foods I eat which effect my kidneys. My blood vessels are also thickened. They do not work the way they should so it has led to tissue damage and high blood pressure. Muscle weakness limits my ability to work and do other things in my life. I have had to choose between work and helping with yard work. I can no longer do both and haven’t been able to for almost 10 years. For years, I chose not to work so that I could help around the house but that flipped a year ago when I started working downtown as a contractor.
This is all complicated by the fact that I do not have adequate health insurance. I have not been able to go to the doctor for years because I cannot afford tests or medication. Instead, I turned to alternative medicine for several years. The only thing it did was help to change my mindset about working outside the home. I feel a bit better earning enough money to pay for my own food. Plus my husband is a bit more content with me paying for all of my own expenses.
I am not a victim. I am not a survivor. I am not a warrior. I am simply me.
I recall sitting at a small table in the deli of a local grocery store with a “friend” sitting across from me. She has been on medical disability for many years due to the severe effects scleroderma has had on her body. The sun was shining strongly on us both as we enjoyed a light lunch. My “friend” looks at me and says, “have you thought about going on disability? You might want to.” I was appalled at her suggestion. To me, disability is a full time job and one I did not want to apply for. Instead I chose to distance myself from that “friend” and started working full time.
Working full time has given me one thing: peace. I earned enough money to rent an apartment for myself to work from one week per month. The surprising benefit was the 7-hour drive. I’ve done more for myself on those drives than I have in my entire life. Can’t say I nicer person or happier person but I am more peaceful.
Where does the tryanny come in to play? It’s the oppression of being human. The incarceration of the mind which keeps us lonely behind bars. The conditions shift but the end result is the same. I’m either imprisoned by lack of money or imprisoned by my fear of not having enough money so I become a slave to the whims and desires of my employer.
I have yet to find a solution, probably because it really isn’t a problem. It simply is what it is. All I have to do is breathe.
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And now I continue with this post after writing the night before. I woke up this morning knowing the source of ME/CFE. It is simply the journey of humankind. We create our reality and we have created this reality. Sure there is a historic record of this and that and stories of women being treated a certain way and having conditions and such. But it is more than that written history. There is the unwritten history. The unwritten present. The unwritten future. And that is where the magic and miracles exist.
We recall, deep within. Some of us anyway. A time when men and women existed in harmony. There was no violence or conditions where people completely shut down. And if there were conditions where individuals completely shut down, they did not live very long. Survival of the fittest, you know.
Let’s go back to when we all existed in harmony. Did we really? If we look at nature in a calm state, there is harmony. But then a storm comes along or a fire and there is chaos but after the chaos there is a rebirth and renewal. Nature does not morn and lament. Nature springs forth with new life!
Out of the perceived chaos of ME/CFS there is a rebirth. There is a rebirth of loving kindness. Without this, we would not develop and recall what we all have within us. We would not recognize that we are capable of caring for one another. We would not ask for help in times of need. We CRAVE loving kindness. So, until we see that in one another, the capacity for love and light, there will always be suffering.
The light comes from within. It does not come from the sun or moon. It is within each and every being. Every particle is a particle of light. If we were to connect with those who have transitioned from the 3D, we would know this and welcome it into our lives.
Do it now. Meditate. Ask your guides, angels, masters, source to show you what we truly are. You will know it.
Through the suffering, we embrace one another. If the women did not collapse the men and children and other people in their lives never would have been given the chance to recall their light. They never would have been given the chance to see the light in others.
In a way, it is the fault of women for thinking that they are the only ones capable of providing and creating life. It is not so. We all create. We are all light. Just because a women carries a child in her womb does not make her superior to men. No. That is where we went wrong. That is why men rebelled and began the campaign to teach women to be humble and know that they are not superior to men. Of course it was not done in a way that women prefer. We did not want to be raped and treated unkindly. No.
As society evolves. We see. We learn. We recall. It’s ridiculous. Sad. Disgusting. Joyful. Miraculous.
Be with the suffering. Help one another. See one another as the essence of light. If you can’t use the word love, then don’t find a different word for yourself. We see because the light reflects off of the creation and we capture it in our essence as that which we misinterpret. But know the truth. Know that everything created is light. We are the same as the tree, the snowflake, the bird, the bug, the sounds, the light, the thoughts, the unknown. We are. I am.
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Do not march to bring more awareness to suffering. It only makes the suffering grow and it only feeds the suffering and makes it grow to into an uncontrollable entity.
Disturbance runs deep so I will entertain it for three minutes here on this white screen,with light gray type and a cursor that moves at my command when I press the magical keys. I take this all for granted some days but right now it is a bit mesmerizing. Reruns of “Third Rock from the Sun” play in the background.
Deep down I am pissed off at society.
This is how it goes: an act of violence takes place and many people transition. We gasp, we mourn, we demand something must change, we demand something be done. And then what happens? An extremely violent film makes a record amount of money on opening week. WHAT IS WRONG? People cry out about guns and violence and this rule must change or blame the person in charge. You know what? Each individual is in “charge” of themselves.
If we truly did not want any further violence to take place, we would turn away from all violence. Only attend kind films. Only play gentle games. Only celebrate peace.
A theory awaits in the following paragraphs on why this outrage plays out over and over and over again.
Here it goes. Here it comes. Whatever, I’m tired and can’t find the right words. Read on if you like. Doesn’t matter to me, I just want to enjoy the self expression.
Gifts received. This is a slight tangent so be patient with me. On my birthday I fell flat on my face, breaking my nose. Visited the ER and got the x-ray and the typical, “Oh we can’t do anything for you.” from the doctor who then charged me over $400. I came home and slid down the stairs on my ass. Bruised and battered, I had many hours of contemplation surrounding me. Why did this happen? What message did this bruise body send my way?
Answer found. It was my subconscious communicating my believe that source is against me. Knowing that I am the source of my reality, that meant that I WAS AGAINST ME. Ridiculous. Idiotic. I finally realized after decades of self-sabotage. For weeks now, I have been journaling on four topics. 1. Where am I with source? 2. What would I do if source was on my side? 3. What am I resisting? 4. What do I need to do to accept? What I realize that my believe that source was against me was unfounded and silly. Honestly fucked up. With a bit of help, I let go of whatever the hell it was that got me to the ridiculous place of self hatred and I never looked back. Every day and every moment is just what it is without definition.
Questions arise. What if this self hatred is true of a large portion of our society? What if? And what if self hatred was shifted into knowing that source is always with us and always on our side? Knowing that life can be simple and easy if we can just be with ourselves, be kind to ourselves, be loving and nurturing? Simply KNOW IT. It transcends self love and becomes an existence no one can define nor describe.
Where I am right now with source? I feel calm, detached, peaceful and accepting. I asked for the Angel of Death to bring death to me in my sleep. Of course the outcome was different than I had imagined. I am here. I am fine. I did nothing to harm myself in any way. I simply had a thought before going to sleep and then woke up the next morning, “Shit, I’m still here. Ok. Let’s make the most of it.”
Here’s what happened a couple of days after pleading to the Angel of Death: I drove downtown to the office and was completely calm. The traffic did not effect me and I did not pick up on any of the emotions or feelings of those around me. I was totally in my body without the external effecting me in any way other than to employ my skills as a safe driver and a kind human being.
Is this what it means to die? To simply be removed from all emotion with regard to tasks that required mechanical action and not much else? In death, are we free of the baggage? The baggage of the thoughts of others. The baggage of the societal bullshit? The baggage of misconceptions? The baggage of the ridiculous?
I was also able to detach myself from the fear of not completing every little request that came my way. I did not immediately do the task. I found myself looking at the collection of dirt in the corner or listening to the babble of others and I DID NOTHING!!
And in the choice to do nothing, everything aligned as it should. Yes, I did end up doing something but not that very second. I patiently waited and then experienced harmony.
I spoke with my sister about how I had been thinking of death and how I now experience life. She had a similar shift this week. She exclaimed, “I am no longer an empath! Wow! I sat with a group of people listening to them talk about being an empath and I thought to myself, ‘I am not that way any more.’” So freedom and wings come in the most joyful and unexpected ways.
Suicide has always been an interesting subject to me. When others chose to purposely transition from this realm to the next in a violent way or to turn off their own light it intrigued me. I pondered and wondered why and how they could do such a thing. And then I read a book by Augusten Burroughs, titled “This is How.” One of the passages stays with me. He said that wanting to die is simply wanting a different life. Seems true to me.
When I prayed to the Angel of Death what I wanted was a different life. I wasn’t sure what life I wanted, I just wanted a different one. And I was blessed with one where now is now and that’s all it is.
I look back and am comforted by the recall of many angels in my life. I was catapulted into this existence with the help of many people. Most recently at Guided by Angels Center for Healing in Omaha. A couple of weeks ago, I attended a discussion led by a new practitioner about the Tao. “Tao Te Ching – open Discussion & Class” I had heard of the Tao before but this took on a different spin for me. And for that I am grateful.
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