Being alone with myself I ponder and transform into the essence of present truth. It changes from one moment to the next. Judging and analyzing and entertaining myself to no end. I rented an apartment for myself 9 months ago and in the gestation has been an exercise I could have never dreamed of other than the simple dream of peace.

There are benefits to aloneness and certain calamities. Thus the thought stream regarding insurance. Insurance capitalizes off of the human condition of fear. And with fear there comes anger and with anger there becomes violence, the paraphrased words from the movie “A Wrinkle in Time.” I believe it was Mrs. Which. Therefore does insurance feed fear? Or does it subdue fear? I suppose it goes both ways. I fear not having enough money to pay for my car, if it should be damaged beyond my current budget. The insurance covers the cost of the damage. I feel safe and protected.

But what if there was no such thing as insurance? The world would be a different place. If I did not have insurance to completely replace a $39,000 car, then a) I would drive carefully b) I might not seek to purchase a car beyond that which I could afford to replace c) The cost of vehicles would decrease, so that people would still buy them d) the cost of repairs would be lower so that people could afford to pay for repairs e) we would make more money so we could afford to pay for repairs and replacements as needed f) we would never damage ourselves or others.

Same goes with health insurance. Same concept as above. I know for a fact that organizations charge more for services knowing that insurance covers the cost. Again, if there was no insurance then the organizations would find ways to help people in an affordable manner. Fewer elective procedures would lead to self acceptance and living in the present moment. Less judgement.

And if there was no need for insurance. Then the insurance industry would not exist. So society would find other ways to accumulate wealth for themselves. Or not. Perhaps if there was no insurance, there would be less fear. Less fear = a sense of safety. And if there was a sense of safety, then there would be no need to accumulate wealth. Accumulating wealth is an insurance that we will always have enough for ourselves and others. If we recalled the truth that we are enough and will always have enough…what would the world be like? Would we know we are pure light? Would we know we are love, loved and loving?

And what is light? Do we even know what light is? Can we accept the truth that what we’ve been taught to believe is completely different from the truth? What if light is not what we think it is? What if it is not hope and love and kindness? What if we are not pure light? What if we are pure darkness? What if we are mucky, disgusting and vile darkness? What if we are a complete void? What if our attempts to fill the void is what brings suffering? And if we finally choose to be with the suffering, then the cosmos will collapse upon itself and disappear.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Disturbance runs deep so I will entertain it for three minutes here on this white screen,with light gray type and a cursor that moves at my command when I press the magical keys. I take this all for granted some days but right now it is a bit mesmerizing. Reruns of “Third Rock from the Sun” play in the background.

Deep down I am pissed off at society.

This is how it goes: an act of violence takes place and many people transition. We gasp, we mourn, we demand something must change, we demand something be done. And then what happens? An extremely violent film makes a record amount of money on opening week. WHAT IS WRONG? People cry out about guns and violence and this rule must change or blame the person in charge. You know what? Each individual is in “charge” of themselves.

If we truly did not want any further violence to take place, we would turn away from all violence. Only attend kind films. Only play gentle games. Only celebrate peace.

A theory awaits in the following paragraphs on why this outrage plays out over and over and over again.

Here it goes. Here it comes. Whatever, I’m tired and can’t find the right words. Read on if you like. Doesn’t matter to me, I just want to enjoy the self expression.

Gifts received. This is a slight tangent so be patient with me. On my birthday I fell flat on my face, breaking my nose. Visited the ER and got the x-ray and the typical, “Oh we can’t do anything for you.” from the doctor who then charged me over $400. I came home and slid down the stairs on my ass. Bruised and battered, I had many hours of contemplation surrounding me. Why did this happen? What message did this bruise body send my way?

Answer found. It was my subconscious communicating my believe that source is against me. Knowing that I am the source of my reality, that meant that I WAS AGAINST ME. Ridiculous. Idiotic. I finally realized after decades of self-sabotage. For weeks now, I have been journaling on four topics. 1. Where am I with source? 2. What would I do if source was on my side? 3. What am I resisting? 4. What do I need to do to accept? What I realize that my believe that source was against me was unfounded and silly. Honestly fucked up. With a bit of help, I let go of whatever the hell it was that got me to the ridiculous place of self hatred and I never looked back. Every day and every moment is just what it is without definition.

Questions arise. What if this self hatred is true of a large portion of our society? What if? And what if self hatred was shifted into knowing that source is always with us and always on our side? Knowing that life can be simple and easy if we can just be with ourselves, be kind to ourselves, be loving and nurturing? Simply KNOW IT. It transcends self love and becomes an existence no one can define nor describe.

 

Where I am right now with source? I feel calm, detached, peaceful and accepting. I asked for the Angel of Death to bring death to me in my sleep. Of course the outcome was different than I had imagined. I am here. I am fine. I did nothing to harm myself in any way. I simply had a thought before going to sleep and then woke up the next morning, “Shit, I’m still here. Ok. Let’s make the most of it.”

Here’s what happened a couple of days after pleading to the Angel of Death: I drove downtown to the office and was completely calm. The traffic did not effect me and I did not pick up on any of the emotions or feelings of those around me. I was totally in my body without the external effecting me in any way other than to employ my skills as a safe driver and a kind human being.

Is this what it means to die? To simply be removed from all emotion with regard to tasks that required mechanical action and not much else? In death, are we free of the baggage? The baggage of the thoughts of others. The baggage of the societal bullshit? The baggage of misconceptions? The baggage of the ridiculous?

I was also able to detach myself from the fear of not completing every little request that came my way. I did not immediately do the task. I found myself looking at the collection of dirt in the corner or listening to the babble of others and I DID NOTHING!!

And in the choice to do nothing, everything aligned as it should. Yes, I did end up doing something but not that very second. I patiently waited and then experienced harmony.

I spoke with my sister about how I had been thinking of death and how I now experience life. She had a similar shift this week. She exclaimed, “I am no longer an empath! Wow! I sat with a group of people listening to them talk about being an empath and I thought to myself, ‘I am not that way any more.’” So freedom and wings come in the most joyful and unexpected ways.

Suicide has always been an interesting subject to me. When others chose to purposely transition from this realm to the next in a violent way or to turn off their own light it intrigued me. I pondered and wondered why and how they could do such a thing. And then I read a book by Augusten Burroughs, titled “This is How.” One of the passages stays with me. He said that wanting to die is simply wanting a different life. Seems true to me.

When I prayed to the Angel of Death what I wanted was a different life. I wasn’t sure what life I wanted, I just wanted a different one. And I was blessed with one where now is now and that’s all it is.

I look back and am comforted by the recall of many angels in my life. I was catapulted into this existence with the help of many people. Most recently at Guided by Angels Center for Healing in Omaha.  A couple of weeks ago, I attended a discussion led by a new practitioner about the Tao. “Tao Te Ching – open Discussion & Class” I had heard of the Tao before but this took on a different spin for me. And for that I am grateful.

 

I did it again. I forced myself to drive over six hours to the apartment I rented months ago on a quest for peace and joy. It had been a couple months and as painful as the trip can be, I always find myself transformed.

This time, I found myself so exhausted that I stopped five or six times at rest areas and once I fell asleep for who knows how long. I woke up with a gasp and somewhat disoriented. Luckily it was a lovely 50-degree day with the sun shining. Perfect weather for napping in the car.

What was different this time? I observed myself not feeling any remorse for leaving. I did not make sure the house was spotless. I did not prepare chopped goodies for the cats and dog. I did not arrange for the care of the animals other than to remind my husband that I was going to be gone for the week. He can handle it all. The second difference was that I packed all the food I need for the week. The third difference was all of the clothing I need for the week fit into one small suitcase. I recalled a reading received a while back, “travel lightly” and “they will be fine.”

Carry no burdens. Trust everyone is fine.

I drove up to the apartment, parked, grabbed a couple of things, walked up the salted pathway, noticed fresh paint in the hall, noticed the apartment to the right seemed empty, walked up the stairs, unlocked the door, stepped in and thought, “Oh, I love it here.” I do thing that sometimes at the house up north but not the same way. It is usually “I love the sunshine coming in through the windows” at the house but not walking in the door and immediately thinking that I love it there.

(And now I am crying)

Brought in the food bin. Placed the refrigerated items in the fridge and left the rest for later. Carried in the suitcase and plopped it on the floor of the bedroom. Threw my jacket on the bed of the small room.

THAT felt good. To simply toss my jacket on the bed and not be concerned about hanging it up in the closet or thinking someone is going to reprimand me for leaving my coat somewhere. Not that anyone does that at the house, but it’s always on my mind to keep things a bit more tidy because I live with someone. It’s not bad but it is more work.

I felt a bit energized and peaceful but completely starved. I have been eating food that will encourage my thyroid to function properly and encourage adrenal function. Things like wild blueberries, celery, cucumbers, spinach, mangos, lettuce. More fruits and veggies with one serving of protein per day. Plus the water has to be infused with something such as cucumbers/celery or coconut water.

Anyway, it was really nice to simply care for myself and fill the kitchen with the nourishment my body needs to thrive.

On Monday, I woke up at 7:30am, connected online for a couple of meetings and enjoyed working remotely with the wonderful team I have been blessed to work with for over a year. At the end of the day, I traveled to Guided by Angels Center for Healing which is about 11 miles away. They welcome people to stop by from 5-7pm to chat and then there is usually some kind of activity at 7pm. Every Monday there is a guided meditation.

I drove up and noticed one car in the parking lot. Walked in to find Emad sitting on the sofa. He smiled, greeted me and invited me to sit in the comfy chair directly across from him. We talked about his new job. He works at a residential facility to help teen girls heal. Four nights a week he finds himself at a place where the girls are fighting with their lives and trying to survive. I know he is a blessing for them all. I looked at him and saw a refreshing and joyful energy. He is living his purpose.

The small room filled as it got closer to 7pm for the meditation. The lights were turned down. Emad sat next to me for a few seconds and I was overcome with his divine and peaceful presence. He quickly moved across the circle to sit directly across from me. The meditation began. Breathe in. Breathe out. Be with your breath. And other words of loving kindness. We all sat there afterwards in a state of peaceful bliss. Emad mentioned he would be there until 9pm. So I asked if I could please request a reading from him. He said yes. And then at about 8:15, we went to his office for the reading. I sat in a big, comfy recliner facing a print of a dock at a lake. The weird thing about the dock was that there was a post at the end of the dock like it would stop me from jumping in the lake. To the left was a print of hands creating a heart around the sun. And to the right was an angel.

We started talking. He sees things and knows things. Each session is meant to release emotional blocks. I told him the story of breaking my nose and falling down the stairs on my birthday. I wanted to know why! “Ah,” Emad says, “I do not see emotional blocks with you, it’s more of a belief. What are you stopping yourself from doing?” I said, “I do not know!” I could have said things like leave my husband or something ridiculous like that but it did not seem right. So through the discussion, we discovered that my old belief was that source/God/the Cosmos/the Universe is against me. For whatever reason, I developed a belief that I cannot have fun, experience joy or loving kindness without the world crashing down around me. That nothing I do matters, cuz it’s all going to turn to shit. Everything from people being nice to me to get something they want. To men raping me. To my mother being nice for false reasons and then turning her back to speak horrible things about me. To the people at a previous place of employment that gave me tons of projects, took all my wonderful work, worked me to the bone and then treated me poorly. To the cop that pulled me over for singing love songs. To giving birth to children and having them stolen from me. To society starting a war that my son had to go fight. To society filling the minds of children with false concepts only to suck the energy out of them and turn them into zombies who are unable to create brilliance and know their divinity until they work to recall the source of their being. To the cat tripping me. To the cat attacking me. Even though I give them the best food and loving care. (Ok. I did yell at the cat a few times but that was after he had pissed all over my house and attacked dozens of people). To me joyfully learning energy healing to help people but then getting reprimanded at the senior care facility for buying the man a couple pair of pants. And so many other things that turned to shit.

The list goes on. I did not share the list during the reading. But it was understood. I list it here for effect. Cuz I like drama.

I used the word ridiculous several times and he said it was significant. Nothing else, it’s just something to ponder.

Emad says to me, “I am going to tell you something very difficult to hear.” I said, “Oh please tell me! I want to hear it all.” He said something that has completely left my mind. It did not seem that difficult at all to hear. Or perhaps I did not hear it because I was not ready. I remember things about resisting and if I resist, it only persists. And to let go of something forever. If I find myself letting go over and over, then I did not let go of it.

Over and over Emad would tell me things until I seemed to understand or I caved in out of exhaustion and exasperation. I wanted this but the belief was still there. I did not trust this kind person to help me quite yet.

And then permission was given for Emad to release the belief. He then looked at me, “Do you see things?” “Yes.” “There are three angels standing behind you.” He looks at them and smiles, nods and says, “They are here to guide you.” He nods again, “You are going to be fine.”

(I am crying again.)

A practical daily exercise was prescribed. Each night I am to journal four questions:

1. Where am I with source?

2. Where would I be if source was on my side?

3. What am I resisting?

4. What am I now accepting?

These four questions have transformed my life in a matter of days.

I got home around 9:30pm and then journaled until midnight. The next morning I woke up and read a text message from my sister about a living funeral for our brother but then she said he doesn’t want one. I replied to the message and then told her about my reading and how I discovered that the reason I fell flat on my face is because I had a belief that source was against me. She said, “But you ARE God, the source, the universe, the cosmos. So are you against yourself?” I replied, “Apparently.” and then “Thank you so much for the clarity! I am going to go dance!”

And I danced. For I knew that very second, with my entire being, that it was ridiculous to believe that source is against me or that I am against myself. And ridiculous to have any beliefs because they are false. The subtle healing had taken place and then in an instant everything aligned! Hooray!

I create loving kindness. I care for myself. And through the loving kindness of myself, the exponential effect is radiated out to all and none. It simply is.

The challenge now seems to be the third question, “What am I resisting.” So far it seems that I am resisting just being present in the moment. I am resisting breathe. But each day I learn to breathe again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edges torn

the flight

becomes

filled with

indignant

exasperation.

 

……………

As I searched for an image to illustrated this post, I re-discovered a passage I had written in June of 2015. Previously, I had been bombarded with visions and dreams with geometric symbols. And, being blessed with no full time job to shackle me, I worked away to illustrate and transcribe my visions.

I fell on my face and broken my nasal chakra wide open, thus connecting me once again to my brilliant soul for clear communication and observation.

Here are the illustrations and passage from June 2015.

May your wings carry you to destinations unknown.

 

 

January 2015 I started drawing a simple geometric shape over and over. I would go to a class or meeting and draw it on my notebook page. I woke up thinking about the shape and drew it in my journal. It was interesting so I mentioned it to a couple of new friends after a class one evening.
And then, later on in January the shape started to shift and became more complicated. The two circles became 7 circles with a cross. Again I drew this over and over in my notes and journal. I mentioned it again to friends of mine who thought it was interesting.
We were having a very deep discussion after class one evening. A young woman was telling us about how she channels a Pleiadian and that if we wanted to ask her a question, we could. So I got out my notebook and showed her the 7-circle symbol. She exclaimed “Oh! I know what that is! It is a symbol from the 1425. It was discovered by a group of women who were keeping it secret. The women were discovered by a group of men who then murdered them and buried their bodies in the forest. It was kept a secret. Develop the symbol and gather with a group but make sure you are protected.” Needless to say, I thought that was very interesting.
Continuing to dwell on the shape, I tweaked it and decided to make a metal piece. The light from the metal was magnificent. I then decided to add the symbol to my daily Reiki meditation and found it to speed the energy shifts for me. I drew it on a medallion and wore it, feeling comforted by the symbol. The symbol is much like the flower of life but with a cross in the middle that helps to communicate the energy. When drawn 3-D, the cross is then a pyramid.
Months went by. I was at a meeting with friends and one woman had a deck of angel cards. I asked if I could draw a card, which I did. The angel Jophiel was drawn. It said something about starting over or re-birth. So I asked for guidance from the Angel. That night the guidance I received was a simple circle. I was told it was the way to start over and to simplify. Again I was comforted by the circle. Circles are very meaningful to me. Circles of friends, etc. (I’d also like to note that Jophiel is the angel of beauty. She helps people learn how to think beautiful thoughts that can help them develop beautiful souls. People sometimes ask for Jophiel’s help to: discover more about the beauty of God’s holiness, see themselves as God sees them and recognize how valuable they are, seek creative inspiration, overcome the ugliness of addictions and unhealthy thought patterns, absorb information and study for tests, solve problems, and discover more of God’s joy in their lives.)
The entire time, I had been creating symbols from the first names of people I was asked to help send healing streams of grace to. The symbols were geometric in shape and all within circles. I would draw them on a wooden disk and add color. A woman gave me advice, “you should put them on a cord or chain.” So I drilled a hole in the middle of the disk and was able to add a cord. And then in April I started engraving the symbols with a wood burner.
At one point I woke up in the morning and drew simple shapes for every letter of the alphabet. There is one symbol that contains every letter. (a circle with a cross and an x). I discussed the symbols with a friend who sent me part of a book (The Convoluted Universe: Book 2, Volume 2 by Delories Cannon) which described symbols being keys. Individuals see the symbols and they help guide the individual. Perhaps each individual has a symbol and when the symbols match up, it is a way of communicating.
In June more symbols revealed themselves. A triangle morphs into a double triangle which multiplies and spins in a circle. The triangles then become infinity symbols and spin fast inside a circle. The 3-D version is a pyramid again.
Late in June I had lunch with a couple of friends. One asked me if any more symbols had come to me. I told her about the most recent one. And then we discussed how trees like to communicate with us. So I went for a walk with my dog to a favorite park where there are a couple of magnificent trees. I stood with them for a while and one of them showed me another symbol. Two circles with a cross and an x. A similar symbol showed up in a book I was reading the next day. One of the chapters talked about the power of the Tarot card, Wheel of Fortune.
The night of June 29th, I couldn’t sleep. Got up at midnight and made my husband some coffee before he went to work. Tried to go back to sleep, did my Reiki meditation. Closed my eyes and started seeing a very vivid shape . It was that of an angel. I drew it and realized it really looked like an angel but also looked like a lock.
I remembered the book passage, about symbols being keys. And now, with the angel shape, I realize that the symbols I had been receiving are the keys to finding my wings or even becoming an angel. What a gift! I love it. My interpretation is that I just need to continue my path of light and to spread my wings.
I like the quote a friend shared with me on June 28th: “Lighthouses don’t go running all over an island looking for boats to save; they just stand there shining. ~ Anne Lamott”

The technology of love = sending love vibrations in thought, sound, visuals and subtle communication of the soul to all souls and all forms of energy within your realm of existence

The technology of love = being open to receiving love from all within your realm and from other dimensions known and unknown

The technology of love = no veil.

The technology of love = soul to soul communication. And knowing every form of energy is soul. Therefore every form and particle of energy known and unknown = love.

………

Simple. It does not need a new gadget or a new anything. It simply is. We utilize the tools created to communicate, share and utilize the knowledge of the illumination of all. We humans are the ones who have needed to evolve. All other forms were already evolved and embraced themselves as pure light and love. It has taken us eons to finally acknowledge. Be grateful for the patience.

The monsters from within have been released. We feared them but all they really wanted was for us to unlock the door and let them go. And once they are free, we are free.

……….

Why is it easier for the person who just had a meltdown to say, “Today’s a new day.”? I know it’s not always true. And I tend to hang on to stuff and play the story over and over until it becomes a brand new story designed to fit the needs of the moment.

Fit the needs of me, myself and I. Totally. And as it should be, right? Ok, Maybe not.

I’ll admit I am an expert at taking life much too seriously. Especially the little things. Like I’m really good at emotionally destroying a small situation. But then wisely handle serious situations. It would be nice to flip it upside down. Some days.

Some days.

Somewhere along the way, my brain misinterpreted everything. The small things are taken seriously and never forgotten. The big stuff is calmly dealt with like a game of Black Jack and then the deck is disposed of.

Or maybe it’s my gift.

Example of something small destroyed: The morning of Thanksgiving a green bean casserole was being prepared while breakfast was going to happen within the next couple of hours. I ranted about how it was an example of me being ignored and about how the person preparing it was a liar. “You said you weren’t going to make a green bean casserole! We talked about breakfast this morning! You are such a liar and you never listen to me!” As I stomped around with my hair looking like birds had entangle themselves in it.

Example of something big treated with grace: I was in Vegas when the shootings happened. I calmly witnessed the sadness. I witnessed the immense amount of love pouring out from everyone’s hearts. I drove to the mountains. I spent time with nature. I spoke with the deer. Spiritual and soulful reactions and actions.

Am I on to something?

Being human can be quite mundane at times. Sleep. Wake. Eat. Urinate. Ruminate. Defecate. Exfoliate. Over and over. To alleviate the mundane, I get a thought wheel going in my head and it spins out of control until I am redirected. I rarely take action. I’ll say something feebly, “Hey, it would be really nice to move out of this house to a place that is not surrounded by 4 highways and have aircraft flying overhead.” Rant a little bit about how it’s killing me. Then go away for a few days, detox and then return for further punishment.

Is that what meltdowns are? A detox? Visualize bits of chocolate slowing melting in a pot. If the heat stays low and the chocolate is patiently stirred, it becomes a sauce or a substance in which to dip treats and cover them with. Or if the heat turns up high and the cook steps away, the chocolate burns and is useless.

That’s what life feels like sometimes. Useless.

Useless replay.

Or is it?

Maybe replay is the purpose of life. Replay it over and over and over until there are 10 million views. Perhaps then the energy of the story dissipates enough so that the sadness transforms. Replay it over and over until the views turn into a revenue from which the creator thrives.

Let’s get back to the soulful reactions and actions when something big happens. Perhaps that is the purpose of life. To witness the world’s sadness and love. To gracefully turn to nature and communicate soul to soul.

This is a bit random. And a stream of consciousness.

Detox. Meltdown. Whatever. Maybe I’ll start thinking of it as melting butter to make the popcorn taste great. The meltdown isn’t a detox but a topping. A flavorful addition to my life.

Why, after a detox or a meltdown, do I return for more of the same? Is there a greater purpose in the return? Show up in the chaos as a newborn? It’s rather disgusting. But at the same time heroic. Reprieved from the battle and return rejuvenated to take on the beast.

A warrior in action. That I am.

A boxing or wrestling match. Sometimes the amateur. Sometimes the pro. Every time it is good for a bit of entertainment.