“Narcissists are trapped in a wormhole of self-obsessed neediness, unable to truly give.” – Julie L. Hall, survivor; writer @ NarcissistFamilyFiles, HuffPo, PsychCntrl

Freedom and flight of heart was given to me as I a light-hearted chat that became insightful and ever so magnificent. “Have you read the Reddit feed titled ‘Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents’?”

“No.”

And then the traits of these adult children were revealed to me . . . ALL of which I could relate on many levels.

Wow.

“Oh my God!” “Oh . . . My . . . . God . . . !”

The next day was spent in deep research. A good amount of discernment is needed with this topic, as it seems to be a mixed bag of helpful survivor tips and whiny victim rants. It’s best to stick with that which empowers and uplifts. The articles and videos highlighted every aspect of my own childhood and what I have experienced as an adult. Not only am I a survivor, but shamefully, I also have narcissistic moments/days/weeks/years. Something I work on constantly to fix and apologize for to all my children, family and friends – and animal companions, co-workers, neighbors, guides, etc. A long list which I will be working on for the rest of my life.

A post-it note on my computer reads, “I look forward to knowing the unknown.” This recent revelation has set me free in ways I had never imagined. The breath comes more easily, the steps lighter, the light brighter, the slumber deeper, and more yet to be.

I crave to know and to be my true self, even if my true self is a bit narcissistic at times. Even if I am truly angry, cruel,grumpy, irritable, needy, stand-offish and snooty. Also joyful, pixie-like, childish, generous, peaceful and prosperous.

Great gratitude swells up from the inner cells of my heart and the inner particles of the essence of what I recall as something other than my previous self.

Through the beautiful souls channeled a grace leading to wholeness. Every step, every moment we guided one another.

What remains? A void filled with nothing but the willingness to leave it as is.

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Turn around and come down from the abstracted self and into Wendy Who Walks with Wildflowers.

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Huggy Bear, an earthly being is preparing to transition soon. Lucky I am to experience a companionship that creates great sadness at the impending physical separation. I receive this gift with an open heart and gratitude.

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In plain English . . . I am immersed in tears

Being at peace brings a shift undefined until experienced first hand. So it’s basically useless for me to write about it other than I love typing and seeing letter forms appear before me like the rain falling on new grass.

Last year I contracted with a Life Coach not knowing exactly what I needed. But something told me this was going to change my life. Through coaching I created my quest: A vision of feeling free and light in a meadow in the sunshine. I travel, do many different things.

I found freedom and light in a meadow with the rental of an apartment set in the beautiful Fontenelle Forest of Bellevue, NE. I will forever hold the feeling in my heart. I have learned not to cling to something physically for once I have experienced it, it is forever with me. And to feel that again, all I have to do is recall the truth.

I do travel and do many different things. With the apartment being 6 hours away, the travel was one of the most transformational aspects of the journey. The hours on the road were more powerful than I could have ever imagined.

The most surprising was the instant manifestation. Once I found myself in tune with my truth, my soul, my spirit brought forth an alignment which placed me in sync with my essential nature. There was an effortless flow from one action to the next. Not that there wasn’t any sweat or hard work, there was a lot of work involved. Many tears. A broken nose, Broken relationships. New relationships. Boundaries. And evolution.

The new vision for myself is to be with each moment as it presents itself. To experience life as the essence of peaceful joy. To courageously maneuver through it all so that at least one person experiences loving kindness. And in exchange I will share my gifts.

What are my gifts? They are revealing themselves in surprising ways. Sometimes through a morning meditation. Sometimes on the road. Sometimes through dreams. What’s different now is that I receive them with a peaceful gratitude channeled through grace. I do not wish to be the best or to receive great wealth. All I ask is that I am sustained with enough.

Sometimes enough is a small meal. Other times enough is sharing with others all that I can possibly give. Or enough can be fed up with too much and creating a strong boundary with which to spread my wings and fly.

And so it is. See the spring snow and let it tickle your soul.

There is a post in me that is bursting to get on the screen so here it goes.

At what point do the nightmares incite action on my part? Do I ask for resolution in the dream or do I ask for resolution in real life? Do they mirror each other? Does the nightmare infuse and spread throughout or do I pierce the system with a dagger and release the poison into the cosmic nothingness?

Magic surrounds me and emanates from the essence of me.

Transformation comes in the wake of courage. Courage to think, speak, act, give, receive and exist. I started with a simple affirmation this past week: I am the essence of peaceful joy. But in order to realize that essence, I must take bold action of body, mind and soul.

A conundrum arose this past week as I witnessed an expression about a course of study. I sat with my nephew and two of my sisters at a heavy dark wood table with a friendly game of Scrabble sprawled out in the middle of us. My nephew sat down, filling in for the placeholder game piece we had going out of whimsy and fun. We chatted and I asked him what his favorite course was this semester.

“Can I say none?” was his answer.

We bantered a bit more. His mom sat next to him and did not hear any of it. She is focused on encouraging him to get accepted into the field of study she and his girlfriend have chosen for him. Urging him on, keeping him focused on the goal of getting a decent job with a living wage. I honor that. I do. But meanwhile, I see the person sitting across from me who is miserable in his life. I pick up on much that is not communicated out loud. I hear very, very clearly, “Today was a very hard day.”

With compassion, I understand that all parents simply want and desperately need their children to be safe and nourished. To fly from the nest and take flight. As an individual, that safety and nourishment needs to expand into creativity, generosity, giving, receiving, truth, connection and ultimate sense of being.

There is also the hidden agenda many parents have. And that is to keep our children miserable and suffering. As if in their suffering, we may always be needed as parents to provide comfort in times of need. I’m not sure where it comes from and to me it is very twisted. Perhaps it’s a “contract” and if it is, I recognize it as so and ask that all contracts I have with my children to be released. May the wisdom and grace of all dimensions, release our souls from the chains that bind us and set us free.

It reminds me of a similar path I took in college. In high school I excelled in art class and absolutely loved pottery, drafting plans for homes, lettering, drawing and creative visual expression. I was ok at everything else and was completely surprised to receive a literary award upon graduation and a small scholarship. I had plans to attend a university close to home with a focus on art and then life happened. Everyone told me that there was no money in art. That confused me. The concept of not having enough never entered my mind. I had survived up to that point so I figured everything would work out fine. I was simply getting through the moment and could not grasp the concept of a 5-year plan.

The plans for studying art shifted like the wind. Art studies shifted to nursing studies due to life literally spinning me into a vortex and down a rabbit hole designed by some sort of wizard.

I was shot out of the vortex and landed in a different place. In a land where the wind carried me across campus with a depth of sadness I could not comprehend. Nursing became a refuge for three years until graphic design whispered into my ear one summer day. I enrolled in a course of study for something called “advertising design” and IMMEDIATELY grasped every concept, every skill set needed and flourished. I absolutely loved every minute of every class. In sync with the universe at last! I was told, “You are going to be an art director.” Oh my gosh! It was the first time in my life that anyone had EVER said something positive to me about my potential. I had something to live for! I had found a calling! An art director? I did not know what it was at the time but something told me it was right and felt good.

I was eager to finish studies and get out into the real world to practice and work. A much, much different feeling than when I had been studying in nursing. Nursing terrified me. I was never confident about what I was doing with or for patients or the other students. I could not even put on a pair of gloves fast enough.

My nephew is finding his way to his calling and career that energizes him. I also know that I cannot control his current path so I ask all angels, masters, gurus, teachers and guides to be with him now so that he can find peace and joy and strength.

In this time of courage and transformation, I release that which may bring freedom to others. I pause, relishing in the comfort of the wisdom spoken by my rapist. I cower and then pull  my shoulders back, take a stance and say with fierce determination, “I am strong, I am worthy and I fly!”

My faults are my strengths. My greatest fault is seeing the good in every situation.

Today, a colleague stood up from his desk and exclaimed, “Today is a really sucky day.” I did not know why he said that, I figured it had something to do with happenings around the office. He deals with a lot of situations with grace and humor but this was different.

When he returned to his desk I asked, “Are you ok?”

“No.”

“Is there anything I can to do help?”

“No.”

And I accepted his answers. Sometimes we need to be with the sadness and feelings.

I learned a little while later why it was a sucky day. Someone had been set free.

I witnessed a woman walking next to the HR employee. Shaking, disheveled and carrying her purse and jacket, she walked next to the HR escort of liberation.

It is always emotional when someone learns, “your position has been eliminated.” As a witness, I observe the confusion, the anger and a bit of jealousy. No, it’s not fair that an older woman who has health issues has her position eliminated because the current job exceeds her capabilities. Her kindness is needed elsewhere. Her grandchildren and family welcome her. She now must re-define the essence of herself. It no longer matters that the job was the one reason the she woke up each day. Who knows. Maybe her job was the one reason she woke up each day saying, “oh shit.” Either way, it is what it is.

The moment is simply meant to be. As are all moments. A blip on the screen. A pebble on the path. A dust speck in the sunlight. A burp after dinner.

If the organization had kept silent and did nothing, maybe the person would have taken longer to moved forward. Perhaps it was her heaven where she felt safe. Or perhaps it was a murky muck of slime where putrid waste grows into a mass so vile that even the strongest steer away. Or maybe it was just mediocre. In any case, she is now free to experience the next great adventure in her life. Or the next peaceful moment. Or the next struggle.

I recall my own liberation experience from a decade ago. I do not swell in the past but witness for its now mild entertainment value. Sort of like watch a rerun of a show with a different perspective. At the time, I knew the liberation was coming and had my office all cleaned out, waiting for the invitation to be walked out. There were signs all around me. The health insurance coverage fee more than tripled. Meetings between people were kept secret. Meetings with individuals for “review” became more frequent. In fact, my clairaudient skills revealed one individual practically screaming in silence, “Oh, she has to go.” I mentioned my observations to my rapist one evening and he said, “Just be patient and wait it out.” The day came. I was invited into an office, told the news and was walked out the door by HR. Twenty-some people were liberated that day. Some of us gathered that same week to support one another on the next jaunt of the itinerary.

One statement stands out in my mind from that time. A friend had a cousin who met with an HR individual a couple of weeks before the layoff and reported the HR person saying, “We have to get rid of the old white people.” Interesting.

My life is a vile mass of muck sometimes. I sprinkle it with glitter. I raise it up to the light. It is what it is. Patience accompanies breath. Breathless moments accompany angst. One moment will align with another moment with the cataclysmic result currently undefined.

I welcome and accept that which I resist most.

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